What Missionaries Want Their Friends Back "Home" to Know Part 2

Photo by Wiki Images

A few weeks ago, I started a series relating to the kinds of thoughts that missionaries would likely share with their supporters, family members, and friends in their passport country if they felt safe enough to be vulnerable. I encourage you to read Part 1, which you can read here: http://benchchats.blogspot.com/2019/04/what-missionaries-want-their-friends.html, for a more coherent understanding as I share some of the personal thoughts I've had in this recent season. Today, I want to take the time to share some thoughts I've had in some previous mission seasons as well as some thoughts that some fellow missionaries shared when I polled them. As I mentioned in the previous post, I can't pretend to cover all of the feelings of all missionaries, and anyone who has an opposing opinion or something else they'd like to ask or add can feel free to add their questions and opinions in the comment section. Overall, the desire behind these posts is just to better communication across cultures and experiences and foster more genuine connection and deeper relationships and understanding.

Thoughts from My Previous Seasons:

1) The loneliness can be debilitating. This won't necessarily be the case for all missionaries as some work within more of a structured mission or environment and enter in a community prepared for them. But, even some of those structural places can pose situations of loneliness when you're the only new person getting to know the environment and how things work. Most of this goes back to many previous thoughts from Part 1, but during those seasons, my US relationships absolutely sustained me. And, I was so blessed by the prayers of loving people that God would send me friends and lead me to healthy community.


Photo by Chad Madden


2) I have value as a missionary even if I’m not married. I recognize that I am married now, but I want to be clear on something—single people absolutely have a calling and a purpose that is not to find a spouse. One of the most infuriating things that anyone has ever said to me while I’ve been on the mission field was when I was single. I’d been living in Honduras for a short time, and someone said, “Well, I guess now the biggest thing you need to do is find a husband, so you can really get to work in the ministry.” No joke—I thought my head would explode. And, sadly, I’ve had many single (especially female) friends who have fielded similar comments. Maybe this is a difference in doctrinal thinking or denominational preference, but, once again, the path of obedience to God’s will is best. For a single person who is longing for a spouse, the most hurtful thing you can insinuate is that their life as a missionary has no value until they magically find the thing they already desperately want. And, for some single people, God isn’t leading them to marriage, so telling them that they are not enough essentially means that you don’t believe in their calling as a missionary or their own capability as God’s creation. Now, as a married woman, I can tell you that there were some things that were so much easier in ministry as a single person and that those times alone with God were truly sweet ones I wouldn’t ever want to trade. And, while I love my husband, he cannot provide me with my value or my identity. My Maker is still my First Husband. There are definitely aspects of ministry where a single person can serve and serve well and arguably better than a married person. Regardless of what God calls us to, singleness or marriage, our heart’s desire is to serve Him well. And, if you feel like God is laying it on your heart that God will lead a single missionary to eventually get married, feel free to start praying for that future spouse and for that person and that God would lead appropriately. But, please be considerate in how you address singleness in your comments.

3) We may come with a plan, but the reality on the field very rarely lines up with that plan. I have been hard-pressed to find someone who plans to do something specific before coming to the mission field who doesn’t have their expectations shifted at least somewhat once they hit the reality of the field. There is a learning curve in terms of culture and language. The best mentality that I recommend for a new missionary is to share loosely what they feel like God is leading them to do or what they’re passionate about, but also to be honest with supporters about the need to have flexible expectations. As supporters, just know that we haven’t wanted to be deceitful or misleading, and we are also struggling with how things aren’t going according to plan. But, this is part of moving to a new culture. There will always be things you cannot plan for, yet His grace is enough.




4) Our stress levels are insanely high, and it often shows in our health. Many of these things are outside of our control. Our bodies are encountering new conditions that maybe we’ve never dealt with in our passport country in terms of the drinking water or the air pollution. Some of these things are mental—it can be very taxing to learn a new language and new cultural rules and also navigate a new city with crazy driving and try to find out where to buy furniture or how to open a bank account. Many of these things are emotional—being a missionary is like being a sponge, whatever emotional baggage or wounds someone had before going to a new country will come out with a vengeance when being culturally pressed from all sides. Most of the possible struggles I’ve already touched on. And, in general, spirituality takes on a whole new face in a new country. I’ve talked with many missionaries who have echoed what I’ve experienced which is that spiritual warfare can become a very in-your-face thing like you may have never experienced before in your home country. That may look like your kids having nightmares or dealing with anxiety when you go out in public, or it may be just an inexplicable, draining sense of exhaustion when you’re in certain neighborhoods. It can look like many different things, but when you combine that with not necessarily having a place of refuge yet or not having the right boundaries to protect your time of re-filling with God, health in all aspects can take a serious turn for the worse.

All of that is to say that if you feel particularly concerned for our health, some ways are better for communicating that than others. Prayer is always vital. Rather than harping on us about our physical health, consider contributing to our health insurance or consider asking us what we would need in order to eat healthy and exercise and provide that thing (even if it’s just friendly accountability). If you’re concerned about our mental or emotional health, aside from being a safe person and friend yourself, consider paying for us to receive online Christian counseling. You would be surprised how hard it can be for a missionary to have access to these kinds of resources on the field. It’s not that missionaries can’t recognize when they need help, sometimes it’s that they can’t find the help they need where they are (and maybe can’t afford to go elsewhere). If you are concerned about their spiritual health, start with prayer and God’s leading, continue by being a safe person, and then initiate some of those hard conversations as God directs. Overall, a lot of missionaries feel guilty about taking time off or taking a vacation with their family. They struggle with possibly being judged as poor stewards by supporters by choosing to spend money on that kind of renewal or fun. But, we aren’t super-spiritual mutants. We do get tired. We do have needs. And, oftentimes, we feel like we need permission from someone who supports us in order to take care of ourselves. The people who do that for me are the ones who have the greatest impact on my heart and consequently on my ministry.

5) Reverse culture shock can happen when we return to our passport country. I remember the first time I returned to the US after moving to Honduras that I had a meltdown in the middle of the mall where I’d gone to buy a pair of shoes. I was overwhelmed by the more materialistic aspects of the North American culture, and I was struggling with the guilt of feeling like I needed a pair of shoes a lot less than someone else in Honduras needed something else. Thankfully, my mom talked me down from it in the moment, and over time, I’ve learned more about the Honduran culture (that sometimes isn’t so different in that aspect) and have also found more of a balance. Now, I almost always buy by shoes in the US because they’re cheaper and last longer.

Thoughts from Other Missionaries:

1) I am not miserable. I feel fulfilled living here and doing what I do.

2) We do need money for projects, but we also need money for living expenses. If we can’t afford to live here, we can’t do any of the projects.


Photo by Siora Photography

3) Simple correspondence can be so encouraging.
This opinion came up a few times, and I think it’s for good reason. I have lost my fair share of friendships just because of the distance, and it can feel like we’re floating out in missionary space untethered to a support system back home. It can feel so empowering to hear from a supporter or friend from our home country. One of my favorite recent ones is a dear prayer warrior named, Margaret, from my parents’ prayer group. Like clockwork, I receive a phone call from my mom on prayer night saying, “What are your prayer requests this week? Margaret will be asking.” The idea that someone wants to stay so up-to-date in interceding for us is beyond humbling. And, with the resource of technology, simple correspondence is so doable in the form of texts, Facebook messages, Whatsapp voice messages, and e-mails. My days are always better when I get a text from my Dad saying, “Hey Bethie! I just wanted to tell you today that I love you, and I’m proud you’re my daughter.” Makes me weepy every time, and it’s like a shot in the arm. Who you are as a friend is so valuable. It’s never just about financial support. We love who you are, and who you are even in simple correspondence is ministry to us that helps us keep going.

4) Please don’t give us your word about pledging money if you aren’t going to follow through. It’s better to not say anything if you aren’t going to be faithful. If you have pledged monthly support and suddenly cannot fulfill that, please reach out to us and be honest about it as our friend.
I personally entered the mission field with the mindset to not really count on anyone for finances except for God and His divine provision through the people He led. With that said, I have had various situations where someone has said they were going to give something (when I wasn’t asking at all), and they never did. From my perspective, it wasn’t financially damaging because I never bank on those kinds of offers. But, it can be damaging relationally in the same way that it’s always damaging when our yes isn’t yes and our no isn’t no. Relationships are built on trust. When you say you’ll do something and then don’t, you sow distrust. Most of us are understanding people. Those who fund raise generally hate it. I, for one, am genuinely so interested in the well-being and lives of those who are my supporters and thereby friends. If someone were to come to me saying, “I pledged this, but it turns out I can’t come through on that,” my response is such respect and honor that the person chose to be honest and connect with me instead of letting that unfulfilled pledge form a barrier in our relational communication. We are first and foremost friends.

5) We feel disrespected when you constantly ask us when we’re moving back to our passport country.
I do understand that this can come from a place of just expressing that you miss us. I guarantee you that we miss you too. But, we also want to feel like you believe that we can hear from God, and that you trust us to make the hard decision of staying on the mission field in spite of the pain of missing people we love. If we try to respect God’s leading in your life, however that looks, we’d also like the same courtesy. Overall, I know that it comes from a place of love for the most part, but if you want to maintain closeness with us, just take into consideration how you're communicating your love for us.

The desire in expressing these thoughts is so that we can be genuine friends despite the ways our lives may look differently day to day. I, for one, would rather be able to be honest and transparent with you instead of feigning that I perfectly fit into an expected role or ideal. Iron sharpens iron, and who you are has value to our lives. We desire true community with you where there is equal giving and receiving in the ways that God leads. We love and appreciate all that you are to us and feel blessed by your desire to understand us.

Photo by Adam Jang