Give Yourself Permission
My junior year of high school, I was in the first few weeks of juggling soccer games and practices, picking up my siblings from school and making dinner, hours of homework, and a rigorous class schedule. I was on the usual “going to college” track and was taking all of the Pre-AP, AP, and Honors math, science, and English classes that were expected. Looking at my planner, I wondered how I was going to manage and when, exactly, I was going to sleep. While I don’t remember what had me upset or overwhelmed, I do remember something my Dad said to me, “Sarah, this year is just going to require more of God’s grace. Not more of you. Just more of His grace.” That idea has stuck with me since. That year was my hardest year of high school, hands down, but God did make His grace oh-so-very apparent through it all. The next year, something beautiful within me just snapped, and I knew that my identity didn’t have to be wrapped up in being an over-achiever. So, I gave myself permission to just enjoy my senior year, and I did, with painting and guitar classes instead of Pre-calculus and AP Biology and fewer commitments. It was also my senior year that God called me to Honduras and gave me so much clarity about the road before me that I never could have drummed up in following a formulated five-year plan. The same exact cycle happened when I was in college, and the quiet and stillness of my second to last semester was the best emotional preparation I could have ever had for moving to Honduras.
It’s been a few years since I’ve been in a running season, and while I’m eager to feel the fullness of purpose in my life and how I spend my time once again, there is always an underlying bell going off in my head that asks questions like, “Am I going to be able to handle all of this?” “I messed up the resting and running balance last season. I don’t want to be that exhausted and burn out again!” “Where am I going to find the time for all of this?” “God, how can I jealously guard our time?” I, ridiculously, find myself wanting to add more to my plate in the midst of excitement and new connections while avoiding the areas that I feel like are the biggest risks or the largest demands on my time and energy (that I really do feel called to do).
This week has been full of an overload of expected and unexpected commitments as well as those inconvenient incidentals that complicate things just enough to make life extra stressful. It’s the high school band playing at full volume in the middle of an online interview. It’s not having any water when every dish in my house is dirty, and this is the one day I have time to wash them. It's the unexpected 48-hour deadline on online work when the electricity goes out for almost all of one of those days. To be clear, my husband never gives me a hard time if the dishes aren’t washed when it's my turn to wash them, and he doesn’t care if his lunch is done at 12 or 1:30pm. No one is demanding that I read three books a month or write a blog every week. No one knows or cares that I didn’t get to make that meal before those vegetables went bad. All of those nagging thoughts just stem from my own, internal, perfectionist boss.
And the solution for each one of those scenarios? Grace. I explained to my interviewer, and she was understanding. My husband not only bought water and filled up four barrels with rainwater, he also washed all of those dishes when it wasn’t his turn. The electricity did eventually come back on. I received grace on the deadline and finished the online work three hours earlier than expected.
But in the midst of kicking off another running season, I am seeing God bring up some common themes to start the journey well. It starts with a conversation with a new friend and sharing that anecdote about giving myself permission to shake off an old identity and to enjoy school. If I did that twice, doesn’t that translate into this season as well? What has that looked like in ministry and in being a missionary? What have I shaken off without even consciously realizing it? It peeks through like sunlight through the curtains in what I’m reading as well:
“Our ministries will be greater than what we have ever dreamed of. We must not look at our inability but gaze into the eyes of the Only Able One. We are never able on our own. It is all about Him. He is able.” – Heidi Baker, Living Under Water
“When he positions you in a place where you feel overwhelmed because you are leading more than you feel capable of, simply lean upon Him. It’s not by your power or might that you will be able to accomplish anything for Him. It is by His Spirit that you will be able to stand and fulfill the call of God on your life in this generation.” – Jennifer A. Miskov, Ignite Asuza
Some of these mornings, I have opened my eyes to the dark of my room at 4:45am as I’m pep talking myself to run, and I start to think, “God how am I going to be able to do all of this? Is there something I need to reconsider? Maybe I shouldn’t do that one thing.” And when I’m reading in the Word a couple of hours later, He answers both my fearful avoidance tendencies and my inadequacy with what they both need:
“Work! For I am with you” – the declaration of the Lord of Hosts. – Haggai 2:4b
“So Joshua said to the Israelites, ‘How long will you delay going out to take possession of the land that the Lord, the God of your fathers, gave you?” – Joshua 18:3
“Let us strive to know the Lord. His appearance is as sure as the dawn. He will come to us like the rain, like the spring showers that water the land.” – Hosea 6:3
“So then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, for whoever has entered God’s rest has also rested from his works as God did from his. Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience.” – Hebrews 4:9-11
I think it is so beautiful that the word “strive” is used in those last two verses. For someone who is so demanding of herself, striving is generally the word that is thrown around when we’re comparing Mary and Martha and criticizing Martha’s refusal to just let the temporal stuff go in order to just be with Jesus. Yet, what a contrast in being encouraged to strive both to know the Lord and to enter His rest. The point being that He Himself is rest. Strive to get to know His heart for you. It may not be what you’ve thought it is. Strive to hear His voice telling you how proud of you He is. Strive to be still enough to feel His love. Strive to quiet your soul when a million things are waiting to be done.
This goes so far beyond self-care. This isn’t about retail therapy or taking a bubble bath or vegging out watching Netflix though I do think that God can find us in all of those places even when He may not have been invited. But, there are so many things that I can do in the name of rest that don’t give me soul rest.
This is about giving myself permission to be excellent without being perfect. It’s about giving myself permission to live up to God’s realistic standards and shirking my own. God didn’t design me to fall into a shame spiral every time I meant to do something, but there weren’t enough hours in a day. (If I were more Honduran, I’d simply shrug my shoulders and say, “Eh, I’ll do it tomorrow.” Eight years in, and I’m still not that adept at living in the slowness of Latino life.) This also isn’t an invitation to run away from a challenge just because it’s difficult. It’s just as much about giving yourself permission to try and fail as it is about giving yourself permission to let some things go.
I don’t know what kind of season you find yourself in. Maybe your dishwasher just broke and you’re in the toddler “No” stage with your kids. Maybe you’re overwhelmed with some new protocols and expectations at work and feel like every day you’re playing catch-up. Maybe the people you’re discipling keep making poor choices, and you’re wondering how you’re failing them. However life is looking at home with family, at work with co-workers, in finances with the bills, in ministry with those you love, just know that you can also give yourself permission to receive God’s love. That will look different for each person and in each moment. Sometimes, the best way I can receive God’s love is dragging myself out of bed to go run even though I’m already tired, and sometimes, it’s receiving God’s permission to sleep in because I am already tired. Sometimes it will be to stare fear in the face and launch the business or take the job you don’t feel qualified for, knowing that the Lord of Hosts is with you in the learning curve. And sometimes, it’s giving yourself permission to let go of a responsibility because while you can do it, maybe you’re not supposed to be the one doing it.
You won’t know what it looks like for you today until you give yourself permission to take a breather, be still, listen, and receive. If you’re like Emily P. Freeman, that means setting a timer for five or ten minutes holding a bowl as a representation that the purpose of those minutes truly is to receive something from the Father. If you’re like me, it means reclining, being still, and listening to songs that are salve to the soul.
If you need some songs to jumpstart your own process, I’ve put together a YouTube playlist for giving yourself permission to strive only to rest. Here it is: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLERDDFsw5e_qG-NU55mw0Lo11mPNQo8Gv
In the next week, I encourage you to take one small step every day of giving yourself permission to be free from your own heavy expectations and to take on the yoke of a good Father. What does that look like for you? Maybe it’s buying a store-bought cake instead of whipping one up from scratch for the potluck. Maybe it’s calling to say, “I’m sorry I can’t make it today.” Maybe it’s taking the invitation to try something you’ve never tried before and may not be good at! Whatever your steps may be, I pray you feel His lavish grace.
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