You Might Still Be in Quarantine If...
Here's the thing, guys... I know that a lot of people are soaking up the sun and sitting by beautiful water. You may have just had a barbecue with loved ones and sported your patriotic gear. Trust me, I'd know because I'm probably living vicariously through your pictures. There are those of us in other parts of the world, though, who are still confined to our homes courtesy of COVID-19. (I'm not bitter...okay, maybe just a little.) We're on day 112 here. I'm an introvert and typically a homebody, so I feel like in some ways I have handled this like a champ. But, at the same time, I'm pretty sure I've reached my breaking point on a lot of days because, let's face it, we weren't made to live so isolated. At the beginning of lockdown, everyone was looking for fun and creative ways to keep busy, myself included. I don't think any of us expected to be confined for so long. Now, I give my past self some serious side eye as I notice some of the quirkier ways life has shifted--some of these are from my own life, some of these I imagine are from others'. Thus I give you:
You Might Still Be in Quarantine. . .
If your husband who is not tech-savvy now spends hours on Tik Tok.
If your sourdough breadmaking days resulted in a tub of sourdough discard in your refrigerator that you said you were going to do all the things with, but you eventually happily discarded to the trash. (My body that can't go anywhere for exercise can only take so many carbs on the waistline.)
If you would love to jump in on some retail therapy from Amazon but don't because not knowing when you'll actually have any of these goods in your hands is too depressing.
If you and your dog are now inseparable, and he knows your deepest, darkest fears because you talk to him all day long.
Photo by Conger Design
If all of your planted seeds for your home garden have since been dug up by said dog because he thinks he owns the place. (Maybe we aren't as close as I thought.) Rest in peace, seedlings.
If your husband is dangerously teetering on having a man bun and talks incessantly about dying his tips blonde...and you wonder how long you can stall him from looking like season 4 Jake Peralta from Brooklyn 99 or Guy Fieri.
If you yourself have a haircut that your hairdresser will eventually lecture you for...if you ever see her again.
If your at-home exercise plan lasted all of one day, but hey, there's always tomorrow!
If you're not sure your jeans still fit since you haven't worn real pants in three months.
If you've decided that even stretchy pants are overrated, so you've just stopped wearing pants at all.
If plucking your eyebrows seems pretty negotiable at this point.
If your face may never let you wear makeup again because it's gotten used to the freedom of breathable pores.
If you have channeled all your energy into a creative outlet like cooking...and thus have watched more cooking shows than any other kind of show in the last three months because who can handle true crime or drama when the state of the world is crazier?
If taking your temperature has become as second nature as taking a pee.
If the biggest excitement of your day was when a bird flew into your house and freaked out as it tried to get out.
If you have started making your Starbucks order at home for yourself and realized you like your version better.
If you were always a die-hard anti-reading from screens kind of person but finally caved in to reading on a Kindle because your library dwindled too much.
If your husband has bought 40 pounds of frozen French fries because, you know, supplies...
If you gave yourself carpal tunnel from trying to make dalgona coffee without a mixer and have settled for cold brew instead.
If you wonder if your kids have always asked this many questions and you just didn't notice.
If you've watched any lengthy movie franchise again such as Star Wars, Marvel movies, Harry Potter, Back to the Future, Lord of the Rings, Mission Impossible movies, etc.
If you have spent more than four hours talking to people via Zoom and now know a new kind of fatigue.
If you have worn bib overalls and a Hawaiian shirt to a business Zoom call.
If your sleep schedule is out-of-whack and you don't know what day it is and can't be bothered to know if we're now in June or July.
If you have thus far resisted watching Tiger King but have it on your Netflix list just in case.
If you watched Tiger King and have already made a short list of who should play which people in the Hollywood depiction.
If you are simultaneously so overwhelmed by streaming content and also the world that you resort to re-watching your old comfort shows--The Office, Gilmore Girls, Scrubs, Parks and Rec, Brooklyn 99, or Parenthood anyone?
If you've finally considered kicking your comfort food habit because someday you might have to wear real pants again...we hope.
If extended family time has been the best thing and something you're so grateful for and also terribly overrated.
If you just refresh social media over and over.
If you've done a deep dive into the music you listened to in high school.
If your husband has exhausted his options of telenovelas on Netflix...just me? Your husband doesn't watch Mexican soap operas? Hmm...shocking.
If your fuzzy blanket has more or less fused to your body at this point.
If your use of Clorox wipes has left your hands red and raw on more than one occasion.
If you have an alarm set on your phone to remember to start your car every couple of days so the battery won't die.
If your husband has a new hobby of admiring his aloe plants or of buying 200 limes a week and making limeade for hours. (Again, just my husband?)
If you simultaneously judge your friends for going on a beach vacation during a pandemic and secretly wish you were there with them.
If you've successfully started and earned money from your side hustle...just kidding. What's a side hustle again?
If you know more about possible COVID symptoms than any other human you know and have Web MDed your own questionable maladies more times than you can count.
If your allergies have caused you to have snot running down your face beneath your mask, and no one was the wiser but you.
If you feel like joining your toddler kicking and screaming on the floor.
If you have finally jumped on a bandwagon decades late because what else do you have to do? "Guys, can you believe that twist ending in The Sixth Sense?! I mean who saw that coming?"
If you never knew you could feel such disdain for your husband's loud chewing.
If you have lengthy debates with your husband over the most effective masks.
If you have not only played online games like Jackbox but now have an established game night crew you Zoom with.
If the only reason you're still cleaning your house is because you need something to do while you listen to a good podcast.
If you are hydrating like it's an Olympic sport.
If you have remembered how satisfying it is to read a whole book in a day.
Photo by Haley Owens
If you have convinced yourself that cereal for dinner is perfectly adequate for the third night this week because, for the love, does the cooking ever stop?!
If someone suggests you do a puzzle one more time, and you feel you might just flip a table.
If your July 4th celebration was spent living vicariously through your friends' social media pictures of their celebrations.
If you have ordered food delivered to your house, and it was the highlight of your month.
If you now consider the guy checking out your groceries to be a close friend because you see him more often than you see anyone else.
If you proudly have your collection of hand sanitizer on display in your car, on your coffee table, in your kitchen...
If your husband has decided that shaving his face is optional, and you're debating boycotting his face till he gets those pricklies under control.
If your exercise routine has included running the length of your house.
If you've started noticing sounds in your house that you never noticed before...has the fridge always been that loud? Is there a mouse in the walls?
If grocery shopping is simultaneously the highlight and the most exhausting part of your week.
If you smell your strongest candle every day just to make sure you still have a sense of smell. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, you clearly aren't the human who knows the most about COVID symptoms.)
If you've had to re-pot your indoor plant because you over-watered it because what else can you take care of?!
If you've run out of places to plant new things.
If you have wished for both a pool because it was frickin' hot and a bathtub because it was frickin' cold in the last three months...because the weather changes in three months...
If a temporary Wi-Fi outage sparks rage.
If you've justified playing games on your phone as an exercise in keeping your brain sharp.
If you've wondered if your brain is actually staying sharp or if your brain cells are dying from lack of new things.
If listening to the birds has become a major comfort because at least something is normal.
If you can't fathom playing Uno one more time.
If you're so happy to video call with your friends but then find that no one has anything to talk about because they're staring at four walls just like you.
If childhood snacks have become a new food group for you.
If you have thought in depth about deep cleaning but never actually have.
If you have named your house plants...just kidding, mine were already named before quarantine.
If you don't know which is worse--staring down the barrel of homeschooling your kids for two months or staring down the barrel of spending a summer with them when you can't go anywhere or do anything outside of the house.
If you're holding on to shreds of sanity and trying to find a bright spot in each day, because we're still just in it. At least on our end, it doesn't look like this is going to let up very soon as we appear to just now be peaking (hopefully?). Some weeks are full of creativity and learning new things and optimism. And some weeks (like this one for me) are filled with angst, exhaustion, and escapism. So, if you find that you're allowed to find refuge and solace in the fresh air of the mountains or the constancy of ocean waves, if you can grocery shop whenever you feel like it, and if you are seeing more people than you can count on one hand, say a little prayer for those of us who aren't. We wish we were there with you, and some days, it feels like your lives are moving on while ours are still on pause.
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