The Life-Giving Practice of Giving a Crap

Photo by Shelbey Miller


Yes, I did think about censoring myself in the title, but at the end of the day, I think it's the most precise way to say what I want to say. And, here's another reason I decided to stick with it:

My husband recently met up with a new friend. What I love about my husband is that what you see is what you get. He is thoughtful and cares about the needs of others, but he's also just the purest version of himself with everyone. Meanwhile, I get stuck in my own head thinking about how each person in the room may be perceiving me or interpreting what I may be saying. So, unsurprisingly, my husband decided to share a story that could have been a bit taboo since it's too early in the friendship to tell where the person stands on certain issues. I guarantee that my husband started speaking before thinking about how it could be received and then midway through realized he was testing the waters. To his complete joy, the person responded with laughter--in the exact same way my husband responded. When my husband got home, he went on and on about how much it meant to him that this person responded with warm laughter rather than responding with hard, judgmental eyes or a holier-than-thou reprimand. For hours after he got home, my husband went on and on about how impactful that experience was for him precisely because what the person conveyed in accepting the story as good-natured was acceptance of my husband as well. 

So, this is me hopping off of that pesky missionary pedestal people sometimes want to put me on to say that this is how I really talk, and this is really where I am in life. I welcome you and your mess by letting you in on mine. 

Photo by Sanjeevan SatheesKumar

Let There Be Light

This post began with a set of curtains. The way our house is situated, certain areas of the house either receive inescapable, oppressive sunlight or they're cave-like alcoves. The area where we eat our meals is small, has a window, and faces our neighbors. Curtains and really any product for the home are expensive in Honduras. Thus, for years, I just put up the only curtains that I had as kind of a placeholder for something that actually went with the room. They were dark blue, and they let in approximately zero light. I kept telling myself that eventually I would get a pair of curtains I actually liked for the space, and I kept lamenting how dreary that space felt. But, I just never got around to getting new curtains. Finally, the last time I was in the States, I starting thinking about painting that area and stumbled across some reasonably-priced curtains at Walmart that matched my idea of what I would paint that room. I brought them back to Honduras, but I kept telling myself that I would change the curtains once I re-painted the room. (Here's a spoiler: Paint is also expensive especially when you have crazy high ceilings.) Suddenly, on a whim when I was just doing some cleaning and laundry, I decided to go ahead and change the curtains. The effect on the room and on my mood was instantaneous. They were so much lighter in color that they let in so much more sunlight while preserving privacy. No more lunches in the Bat Cave. They gave so much new life to the space, and even now, weeks later, I still smile every time I look at that window because it was such a drastic transformation. That tiny change led me to the question of what took me so long to do something that had such a special impact just for myself? That rabbit trail led to the overarching question of "What is keeping me from giving a crap about the elements of my own day-to-day life?"

Laziness or Something Else?

As much as I'd love to blame this issue on the pandemic, I can't. I will, however, say that it's probably been compounded in a lot of ways and even exposed by the presence of pandemic life. 

It's easy to write off the concept of giving a crap as a laziness issue. Certainly, that plays a role. I can't count how many times I've just decided to eat a bag of chips for dinner instead of cooking because the time it would take to cook seems insurmountable even though I have ingredients readily available. Yet, when I eventually make the meal I had in mind, I can be shocked and feel silly by how little time it actually takes me to whip something up that has more nutritional value than fried potatoes sprinkled with seasoning and artificial colors. Laziness will often lead to poor choices that we make simply because we don't feel like doing something, but is it really that simple? I think there are more elements at play that are worth exploring.



Scaling Mental Hurdles

For basically the entirety of 2019, I told myself that I was going to start running. I can probably count on one hand how many times I ran. Last year, I once again told myself I was going to start running, but the pandemic closed our local soccer field where I usually feel safe enough to run by myself. Most of the year, I lamented that I had no where to run. Then, when they loosened restrictions and opened the soccer field, I was so excited to see the gates open that I immediately changed and went for a run--the only time I ran on that field for 2020. Since then, I have been for a run there a grand total of twice in 2021. Week after week, I kept telling myself that I was going to run, and week after week I didn't and felt bad about it. Sure, some of it was just laziness, but a lot of it was giving myself too many mental hurdles to have to overcome to do something as simple as exercise. For example, when I run, I like to listen to music. It's the only way that I have found that I can settle into an enjoyable rhythm without focusing on how much my calves hurt or how I have a stitch in my side. When I'm listening to music, I can tell myself, "Just push for one more song," that I know has to be at least three minutes, and often, the song that comes on after is one I like too, so I end up pushing myself for several more songs. When I run without listening to music, I run for about five minutes, am convinced that surely it's already been an hour, and despair when I look at my watch. At the beginning of this year, the app I used to listen to music on my phone without internet was discontinued. A tiny thing, but it became a mental hurdle because now I didn't just need to run, I needed to find a new app to upload to my phone to listen to music. (Or I would have to activate data to use the internet to listen to music.) But, I wanted to make sure that it was a good app which meant spending time researching. Also, my phone is nearly full, so I would also need to make sure I had enough space which meant deleting pictures and other stuff. Are you seeing how one desire to run quickly became a small to do list? Let me add to the mental hurdles that in order to find the time to run, to run when I wouldn't be around a lot of other people and wouldn't need to wear a mask, and before it started getting hot, I pretty much needed to get up around 5am to go run when it was still dark outside. Are you counting the mental hurdles (and by mental hurdles I mean extraneous decisions) piling up? Instead of one simple choice to exercise, I had to convince myself to do about 3-5 other things first. 

I recently started an online summer exercise program via YouTube videos, and the process of deciding goes like this: Should I do this program? Yes, I think I will. Can I push play on this video at any point in time in the day when I want to? Yeah, that seems doable. And then I do it. Sometimes it is at 10am. Other days, it's 8pm, but that's the entirety of the mental hurdle that has to be scaled. (To her credit, Sydney Cummings, the trainer who is a fellow West Virginian, regularly chides her followers to "stop and breathe, don't stop and leave"--advice I've taken her up on a couple times now.) I like running a lot better than doing YouTube videos, but for the season of life I'm in, the sleep sacrifice, soreness factor, lack of music or energy or money needed to be expended to have music were just too many decisions I could use to talk myself out of making one healthy choice to give a crap about exercise. There's a reason they say to decide once to not buy the Oreos at the store because it's a lot easier to make that one decision than to buy the Oreos and have to decide every day not to eat a whole row in one sitting. It all starts in our heads, and the more extraneous decisions involved, the more mental energy it takes to convince ourselves to give a crap. The fewer the number of decisions, the more likelihood the follow-through.


Photo by STIL

Why a Minute-by-Minute Schedule Is Not the Solution

Let me tell you what happens when I try to get a handle on life by scheduling myself down to the last second. Midway through the first couple of days when I'm inevitably behind in my self-imposed schedule, I end up angry-eating ice cream, precede to give a death stare and "screw you" to my past self who made the schedule, and procrastinate like there's no tomorrow by doing nothing productive. Every. Single. Time. Here's what I've learned--rigidity is not my friend. I can be very responsible and timely and productive, but at some point, if I have over-scheduled myself, my rebellious streak steps in and says, "Excuse me, this is not sustainable, and I will not try not one more second at a task I will 100% fail at." Is it my rebellious streak or my voice of reason? That's neither here nor there. Here's my point: None of us respond well to a harsh critic, a long list of "shoulds," a nag of comparison, or a constant feeling of failure. Inspiration is rarely mentioned in the same breath as guilt. We will never give a crap in a healthy way about something if that thing is constantly tied to shame for not being faster, more productive, more efficient, etc. It is far more productive for me to lean into my natural need for flexibility, autonomy, breathing room, and grace. Rather than assuming I can and should do all the things, it's much better for me to assume that I'm going to get tired, need a break, and have to go at my own pace. For me, that looks like balancing a to do list with choice. Sure, I loosely plan out my week. But, if I'm going to give a crap about all the things that need to get done without feeling like those tasks are an attack on my livelihood as a human being, I have to let myself have some choice and freedom. If I don't get to it on the day I meant to, I highlight the task to do later. When I can, I let myself choose the order in which I do tasks. I let my reasonable self rather than my striving, false superwoman be the one who gauges what actually needs to get done. And, I take advantage of those times when I get a really productive energy going.  

Ask Yourself the Deeper Questions

The sneak attack here is that giving a crap is often code for self-care. The trend is to deem self-care as neat little compartments of pedicures, meditation, and aromatherapy. But, it can be just as caring to give a crap enough to move that treadmill you’ve been meaning to move for months—you know, the one you bash your toes on nearly every day? Trust me, your pinky toe will thank you. So, why can our relationship with self-care be so love-hate or indulge-avoid or lazy-productive? Let’s dig a little deeper.

Start by asking yourself the questions of how people in your family of origin take care of themselves, or rewinding maybe even a bit more, if they do take care of themselves? How did you see your parents approach the concepts of rest, health, grief, fatigue, and productivity? Was taking a nap on Sunday a mortal sin or a given? Did you see your mom perpetually on her feet doing something, or did she ever take a second to sit down? Did you feel like you had to be productive to be loved by your father? Was exercise common in your household growing up? There are a thousand questions that can be asked in this regard, but a lot of the times giving a crap about our health, our home, our finances, our dreams, our career, our goals, our faith, our family, and our day-to-day life starts with understanding if we give a crap about ourselves. The origin of that story starts with what we saw modeled growing up, the values we practiced in our families, and whether we felt valued by those around us. Obviously, this is deep work to be done, and a lot of excavating can be necessary. However, it’s so relevant to note that motivation can be deeply rooted in these things. Oftentimes, we try to will ourselves to be motivated and get tripped up on these same roots time and time again, feeding a cycle of feeling like it’s impossible. It's a lot easier to be mindful of what drives our motivation or traps us in paralysis when we have those light bulbs go off of how our beliefs have been shaped. "Oh! I have a hard time giving myself permission to buy take out for my family when I'm tired because my mom always put a home-cooked meal on the table!" "No one in my family went to college, so taking a college class even though it interests me feels frivolous." "In my family, being loving was being low-maintenance, which is why I have trouble saying no when I know it may inconvenience someone else." Awareness is the first step.

My dad is a pretty productive guy. He always has an ongoing to do list, and he often asked us growing up, “So what are you doing for the good of your country today?” We all learned a good work ethic from him. But, we also saw him take naps from time to time or choose to play baseball with us instead of getting the grass mowed. Productivity wasn’t always the driving force though I think it can still be a force to be reckoned with for us all. Somewhere around the time I was in high school or college, my dad started running. Other than taking walks as a family or playing team sports, exercise wasn’t always a target behavior in my family. Exercise was something you did to be with other people or to learn or improve in a sport. But, after my dad took up running, most of us in the family took up running or became more intentional about exercise at least in spurts. Now when we're together, exercise is often an activity to do together. There’s something about modeling from the people we care about that makes a difference in the behaviors we seek or permit for ourselves. If we see someone else doing it, it seems like we have the strength or permission to do it too. This brings me to my next point.

Photo by Hillary Ungson

Consider Your Community

I live in a household with a husband who can seem to fluctuate between only two speeds—120 mph and asleep. I kid you not. He’s actually mellowed a lot since we’ve been together, but being in the presence of someone who constantly feels like they have to be on-the-go can be pressure-inducing if I’m not mindful to separate myself and stick to my own values for rest. Early in our marriage, he’d come home from work like a tornado and flit from room to room starting one task and getting distracted by another, starting one story and interrupting himself for another, and answering phone calls while eating dinner and pacing. And I followed him around like a confused puppy. Pretty soon, I was frustrated and exhausted because that speed was just not my jam. I have since learned that he can be his tornado self, and I can continue at my own pace without getting sucked into the whirlwind. The happy by-product for us both is that his being in the presence of someone okay with being more steady than accelerated has actually given him greater permission to rest in healthy ways. With that said, it can be really hard to be a pioneer. It's a lot easier to give a crap about something when you're surrounded by other people who care about the same things. If you want to care more about budgeting, you need friends or a Facebook group or some community outlet of people who budget. If you want to be more pro-active in saying no to things you don't want to do, as Emily P. Freeman says, get yourself a no mentor aka someone you can call when you're teetering between saying no and saying yes out of obligation who will say, "Girl, please. Just say no." One of my heroes right now in self-care and setting priorities for rest and restoration is one of my classmates. I learn from her every time we talk. She schedules specific time frames for personal retreats. She takes a whole day from time to time to be totally silent. On her rest days, she takes time to just look at the clouds. She is a phenomenal student with an impressive work ethic, but she also is a great model for me in being intentional about genuine rest.

Learn from Introverts

For whatever reason, US culture has seemed to take most of its cues in regard to work ethic and drive from extroverts. With the work-from-home revolution as a result of the pandemic, maybe some of those tendencies will be turned on their head, who knows? What I can tell you is that if you want to give a crap about recharging or using your time, social energy, and resources in efficient ways, learn from introverts. Introverts receive their energy from being alone, and they can tend to recharge in quiet, slowness, and rest. As an introvert myself, I often find myself as a barometer for what's going on around me. In many situations, it's possible I would be described as the brake, the person asking, "Yes, we could do this, but should we?" or "Yes, we have been doing this, but have we actually considered if it's worth it or lines up with our values enough to continue?" I have found at least for myself and my husband that if I am slipping into avoidant tendencies or I am feeling snippy and exhausted all the time, there is too much on my plate. As soon as I start evaluating what's on my plate that shouldn't be, a light bulb can tend to come on for my extroverted husband of, "Hey! I think I'm tired too. Maybe I don't want to be doing all of this! I hadn't even stopped to think about it." If you're an extrovert who can tend to go, go, go without thinking about it, or if you're an introvert who can slip into people-pleasing easily, check in with a close introvert friend (especially one with good boundaries). Talk about what all you have going on and ask them if they think it seems sustainable. If you work with an introvert on a project or in your profession or if you're married to an introvert, seek out their voice. It's possible they won't offer it voluntarily, but coming from a place of being mindful of the need to recharge gives a unique perspective.  

Decide What Is Worth Your Time, Energy, and Resources

This is Kendra Adachi's main message. I have already sung her praises before, so I'm not going to harp on this point because she's really the guru on this. Her whole philosophy is to be "a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't." So, check her out to really feel like a champ in this area. The Reader's Digest version is that you are one human. You can't give a crap about everything. Since I started grad school, something had to give. So, as you can tell, I can't always give a crap about writing a weekly blog. It's a goal still, but a loose one. I also have had to stop caring so much about the state of the cleanliness of my house. Thankfully, no one is really seeing my house right now because pandemic and living in a country where vaccinations aren't happening much yet. I have recently decided to start giving a crap about exercise, and while it can be a mental battle to do it, the rewards for my health, both mental and physical, are already making themselves apparent. As Kendra emphasizes over and over, you are really the only person who can decide what you should prioritize. If you find yourself struggling to do something you think you care about (or should care about--there's that "should" again), ask yourself why. Do you actually give a crap about making a cake from scratch instead of buying one for your kid's birthday, or are you just wanting to impress your party guests? What priorities are there because they line up with your values, and what priorities are a result of insecurities? 


Photo by Alberto Frías

Back Burner Items

As of right now, I have a mirror I need to put back up after painting my bathroom. I won't tell you how long it has been waiting to resume its usual residence because I can't remember. I have a couple of random items like a magnet that have been waiting to be superglued to resume their usefulness. I have one particular organization job that has been on my to do list since January. Every week I add it to my planner. Every week I avoid it. My gas oven needs a deep clean, but it hasn't topped my list because it's still more or less cooking things even if more slowly. The list could go on. Life is very full for all of us. I can guarantee we all have a myriad of back-burner items that simply just don't seem pressing enough to make top dog on the priority list. However, every time we see them, we get that deep sigh feeling of "I really should just do that." These are the "I keep meaning to..." tasks. My recommendation is to free up some of your mental energy and contribute to your emotional sense of accomplishment by setting aside some time to knock some of those out. 

Be Intentional

I don't know about you, but there is a big difference between when I intentionally build self-care into my goals for the day than when I lapse into doing things that feel selfish just because I'm fatigued. Sometimes, the difference is subtle, but the tone surrounding a task can be so different as a result. For example, when I set out to write a paper and begin by lighting a nice-smelling candle beside me and making myself an iced coffee, I feel much kinder toward myself from the get-go and thus the inspiration seems to flow a lot smoother. When I make the commitment that I will give myself an hour of not looking at my phone so I can focus on the paper, that established concentration leads to much better productivity. When I sit down to write a paper without having eaten lunch, feeling overwhelmed by the millions of other things I need to do, and I keep getting texts, so I interrupt my own train of thought to answer them, it's almost a given than I will battle writer's block. I will re-read the same sentence over and over, and it still won't make sense. I'll get frustrated at myself, and it will take me double the time to do it. When I do finish it, I'll be starving and hangry, so I'll end up eating whatever is quickest and binge watching a couple episodes of whatever because I just don't feel like I have the bandwidth to do anything else (thus getting behind on my millions of other things to do). Initially, it may seem like the self-care step will cause a delay, but it pays off in the long run. 


Photo by Mael Balland

Face Your Fears

If you're like me, giving a crap in a certain area can be scary due to fear of failure or fear of how success might turn your world upside down. Maybe the fear comes from how others may perceive you. What if I start giving a crap about saving money but slip into old spending habits? What if I give a crap about volunteering and that makes me realize I chose the wrong profession? What if I give a crap about decorating my house but my friends don't like my tastes, and I feel embarrassed? What if I start giving a crap about cooking, but my husband doesn't like my meals? Here's something that is helping me approach my own life choices: Plan for relapse. In my last class, we studied a little bit about addiction, and every treatment approach said to incorporate relapse prevention into your approach but to also understand how prevalent relapse is. This may not be an addiction, but we can also prepare ourselves for relapse. Starting this daily summer exercise program, I committed to sticking with it and told people just to hold myself accountable. But, I also knew that there would be times when I would get stuck doing something else and it might get too late or I might get sick or I might have an unexpected circumstance. The danger of those looming possible failures is that when they happen, it would be tempting to throw in the towel altogether. So often, we can tend to think that if we can't do something perfectly, we just shouldn't do it at all. Having a contingency plan for when those failures happen has been great for keeping me on track. I told myself beforehand that they would, so I didn't feel as let down when they did. And, I already had a contingency plan in mind for how to get myself back on track.

Another means of tackling something that causes fear but that you really want to care about is taking it slow. When I started grad school, I just put one foot in front of the other. God made it clear that having enough money to start the first class (even though I didn't have enough for the whole year) meant that I should just take the first step to start. He made it clear that if, at some point, I didn't have the money, I could always stop and re-group. Now, here we are, and I've finished five classes and am heading into my sixth. This summer will be a full year of grad school under my belt. The more momentum I get, the more I realize that this program may just turn my world upside down. But I am keeping an open hand, open mind, and open heart with God. Life is our adventure. He didn't lead me to grad school as an accident. He doesn't waste any experience or even any of the craps that we give. If something is meant to turn my world upside down, even though that scares me because it's out of my comfort zone, I can trust that it's ultimately for my good, for my husband's good, and for the good of His Kingdom. 

See Your Daily Life as a Worthy Investment

Oftentimes, I find myself valuing big picture decisions or time commitments more than I value the day-to-day decisions and expenditures of my time. The truth is that our lives are made up of momentary mindsets, daily decisions, and ongoing habits. They're the atoms and molecules of what make up our lives. If we want to see big picture changes in our priorities, we really have to start at the cellular level in our day-to-day. It's possible you feel like it's not worth it to cook for yourself because you're single. Why expend all the effort and clean up just to eat a good meal? Trust me, I was that single lady, and boy, did my body pay for it in ways I'm probably never going to be fully aware of in the long run. That season of singleness was part of my life story, and it wasn't a short season. My daily insistence that it wasn't worth it to cook something nice for myself was really a reflection of an unconscious belief that good food was only worthy of families, husbands, and guests. My lack of acceptance for the season God had me in of waiting for the hope of getting married was reflected in how I didn't give a crap about cooking for myself. We are loved no matter what season we find ourselves in. This year in particular, I keep hearing the phrase (in a Rafiki from The Lion King voice in my head no less), "It is time." I don't know what all it is time for, but I can tell you this: The times that my circumstances have shifted in ways that I deeply desired and had waited for were always preceded by decisions to give a crap about something in my daily life. Provision expanded after choosing to find an accountant who actually knew what they were doing with my tax situation. Marriage emerged on the horizon after I accepted that God was asking me to do some things with Him as my Husband that I thought I could only do with an earthly husband. The door to grad school was open after I decided to be a better steward of my teaching abilities to do some independent contract teaching online. Amazing friends came into my life after I decided to risk take in seeking out community even though I didn't know anyone. I don't think we get to know the outcome of our daily "give a crap" decisions before we make them. But, rest assured, there is One who honors the daily efforts, sees the long game, and knows what maturity is needed before we can be trusted with more.   

To Recap:

1) It's good to ask yourself why it's hard to get motivated. Don't judge yourself at face value. Dig a little deeper.
2) Remove as many unnecessary mental hurdles as possible. The fewer decisions you have to make, the more likely you'll follow-through.
3) The problem of giving a crap often isn't one of productivity and scheduling. It's about motivation. No one is motivated well by guilt and shame. Overzealously convincing yourself that you're superhuman and can follow a minute-by-minute schedule is setting yourself up for a cycle of failure, shame, and procrastination. 
4) Consider how your childhood and messages from your family of origin have affected your motivation to give a crap about different areas of your life. 
5) Find friends or community who give a crap about the things you want to give a crap about. 
6) Learn from the influential, wise, and healthy introverts in your life. 
7) You can't give a crap about everything. Be intentional in choosing what to prioritize. 
8) Set aside some time to do the tasks you've been meaning to do. They seem not big enough to give a crap about, but they're sucking fractions of your mental and emotional energy. 
9) Be intentional about incorporating self-care into your daily tasks and goals. 
10) Face your fears by planning for relapse, taking it slow, and exploring why the need to be perceived in a positive light by others has such an influential hold in your decisions. 
11) Daily decisions to give a crap are worthy investments even if we're waiting for a shift in season or circumstance. We never know how we're sowing into our futures. 
12) One last point here--nothing that I'm saying here is new or rocket science, but it is the lesson at the forefront of my life right now. At least for me, it is time. It is time to wake up in areas of life where I've been asleep. It is time to recognize that today's choices form my tomorrow. And it is time to give a crap because life is short. Maybe it's time for you too.


Photo by Hannah Olinger

Here are some random things I give a crap about:
1) Gel ink pens. I am a pen snob. I hate ballpoint pens. With as many notes as I take on a regular basis, I give a crap about having gel ink pens that easily glide across the page. It's a small, nit-picky thing that makes my daily life infinitely better.
2) Food waste. I'm not perfect in this area, but groceries are a big expense. Being a steward of them feels important to me. So, I make it a point to save scraps that I can use to make chicken or vegetable stock. I just get out a freezer gallon bag whenever I chop vegetables like celery and carrots and herbs and put my scraps into the bag. I usually add a chicken carcass because we roast whole chickens a lot. When I'm making soup, I just pull a bag of scraps out of the freezer, add some water, and simmer for a couple hours on the stove. I also save other produce scraps for composting in theory but really to feed my neighbor's free-range chickens in reality. I meal plan incorporating leftovers, and I also freeze leftovers. 
3) Being an attentive friend. Again, I'm not always great at this. But, in general, if someone comes to mind who I haven't heard from for a while, I'll send a message. I try to make mental notes about people's likes or dislikes or needs and give gifts based on those mental notes. 
4) Life-long learning. This has taken both formal and informal educational forms over the years, but I love to learn. I like to read about lots of different subjects. I like to take courses in things that interest me. And I like to expose myself to the stories of others who may be very different from me. It's something I want to actively pursue my whole life.
5) Regular reflection and having boundaries. These two tend to go hand-in-hand for me. I have to reflect on what is life-giving and life-draining to know where I need to set some good boundaries. I need to have healthy boundaries with myself and my time both to care for myself but also to be purposeful in how I live my life.

What are the things that you care about?