Heart: February 2022 Recap

 

Photo by Alexandru Acea

When we were still in the U.S., my mother-in-law had an accident that resulted in a broken bone and the need for surgery. When they were checking her out to make sure she wasn't at risk for receiving anesthesia, they discovered a heart murmur. Cut to a few months later, and she received a diagnosis that requires surgery--a faulty heart valve. Let me start by saying that we covet your prayers in this endeavor as there are few hospitals in Honduras that do the kind of surgery that she needs, especially since the pandemic started. Additionally, wherever we might find that could do the surgery, it is usually quite expensive. We have been knocking on doors and asking the Lord to open the right one at the right time. We are still waiting for His answer but believing that they found this issue for a reason. Without that accident, they never would have found it and never would have known since she has no symptoms to indicate her heart condition. 

Over the last month, that word "heart" has come up a lot both as I researched about my mother-in-law's condition and as I read Christa Black Gifford's book, Heart Made Whole. (More on that if you keep reading.) One of the things that Gifford talks about in her book is that we all have three parts to our heart: our emotional heart, our guard, and our functional heart. Over the last month, I have been recognizing that I have leaned so far into the demands of my functional heart that my emotional heart is screaming in protest. Much like a silent heart condition, I think we can convince ourselves that as long as we're able to function and get stuff done, that we're fine. Sooner or later, though, the real condition of our emotional heart makes itself known and seeps out in the most inconvenient of ways. Like a petulant toddler throwing herself on the floor of a grocery store, shrieking and pounding her feet, we can't hide from that emotional heart forever. And why should we? It's just as valid a piece of ourselves as anything that we can do. I am not the Author of restoration, so I can't even control the pace at which my emotional heart reveals itself and heals. But, my starting point for today is just to let my emotions have a voice without condemnation, silencing, sugarcoating, or judgment. They are a creation of God for my benefit just as much so as my hands or my feet. 


Photo by Patrick Saliceti

God's Promises: He Leads Us to Maturity

In this season, we have so many uncertainties, and it seems like our finish line in so many life areas just keeps getting moved. We don't know what is going to happen with Raúl's mom. We don't know about many aspects of our future particularly if I will be able to complete practicum/internship in Honduras. I am learning to keep open hands--astoundingly they feel just as open now as they did when I first moved to Honduras. While we would prefer to be in a season of peace, rest, and smooth sailing in terms of circumstances, we are learning to draw near to the Person of Peace and the Giver of Rest in new ways. A verse that I have been revisiting in a new light is James 1:2-4:

Don’t run from tests and hardships, brothers and sisters. As difficult as they are, you will ultimately find joy in them; if you embrace them, your faith will blossom under pressure and teach you true patience as you endure. And true patience brought on by endurance will equip you to complete the long journey and cross the finish line—mature, complete, and wanting nothing. -- The Voice

Patience and endurance are the key words here that usually get emphasized, and I started thinking about who holds the ownership of those two attributes? Like someone holding a plank position as their body shakes from the muscles exerting themselves, is this just about being staunch in our ability to power through? Doesn't that sound like the same trap I already fall into, denying the emotion in favor of just being able to function for the demands of my circumstances? Could it be that "embracing" hardships is about emotionally facing them in all of their fullness rather than ignoring that our circumstances are bringing up anger, hurt, and pain?

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. -- The Message

Ahhh, here we are with some acknowledgment of the emotions that are wrapped up in faith. If we are ever to truly know what we are made of, it isn't when we are powering through with a stiff upper lip but rather when we're in a proverbial trash compactor a la Star Wars: A New Hope. So often, I think we get shamed for the true colors that show themselves and try to tranquilize ourselves and one another with clichés and there-theres when panic, snappy attitudes, and instincts toward escapism are all normal. I am finding that it can be relieving to let those true colors fly out even when they can cause me some initial shame. Oftentimes, it is precisely our determination to just power through that has caused our emotions to become rancid, poisoning our faith. But, that's the beauty of faith--it's supposed to be supernatural. It is a gift that we can't drum up in ourselves. Being smushed by the realities of life and being exposed just means that we have a Father deeply interested in bringing all pieces of the heart together into wholeness. We don't get medals for powering through if we have divorced ourselves from who we really are inside. 

 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. -- English Standard Version

So often intimacy with God becomes something that we feel like we have to "do." We don't know how to be so we fill quotas of sitting in God's presence because we know that that's the only way to be fruitful. Sometimes, we don't even realize it, but ministry and church and betrayals and hurts can so contaminate our view of God and our trust in Him that we may sit in God's presence without being present ourselves. When I think of the word "steadfast," I think once again of an anchor. How is it the boat can remain immoveable in the midst of tossing waves? It's because it is fastened, connected to the weight of the anchor. We can only be steadfast as much as we are connected, in all areas of our hearts, to the Anchor. It is about being more than doing. It is about letting Him place us on the operating table even when we're wincing with embarrassment. Recently, the lovely woman who I meet with as a spiritual director reminded me, "Sarah, any measure of faith that you have is still a gift from God. You cannot conjure it yourself." Any desire that we have to spend time with the Lord comes from Him. We fan the flame, but He places the embers. In this season, I am grateful for the uncertainties because my trust in the Lord has taken a hit over the years due to ways that He was depicted by imperfect humans. Sometimes, it can be a struggle to get to know the real God apart from the human lens. But, I am grateful precisely because I have ample opportunities in front of me where I know that I am insufficient and blind, but there is so much potential for Him to make a way. He is the one driving the ship, maneuvering toward maturity. We are on His time table, not mine. What a relief that is. 

What I Ate:

1) Bullinada (Catalan Fish Stew with Aoli). This was a creamy dish for a chilly evening. It's also pretty easy and a nice way to mix it up. I used the New York Times recipe, but here is another recipe for reference.
https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1022687-bullinada-catalan-fish-stew-with-aioli
https://thehappyfoodie.co.uk/recipes/bullinada-catalan-fish-soup/


Photo by Thembi Johnson

2) Frittata. When you have an excess of eggs, a frittata is an excellent way to throw together a bunch of stuff in your fridge to make a good, filling meal. A frittata can be made with all kinds of ingredients. we made ours with roasted red peppers, zucchini, feta cheese, and basil. 


Photo by Syed Hussaini

3) Change Your Life Shawarma. Since Kendra Adachi already provided a great chicken thigh recipe, this subsequent offering seemed worth trying. Cutting up the chicken is the most effort you have to put into it, and the spice mix is really good. I can't emphasize this enough, but make sure that you salt the chicken and let it soak in the salt for enough time to give it flavor. We ate this chicken with rice and the following salad.
https://www.thelazygeniuscollective.com/blog/shawarma

4) Avocado, Cherry Tomato, Chickpea Salad.
We liked this salad so much that I made it twice in a week. I don't love cucumbers, so we don't often buy them. Thus, our version did not include cucumbers, but they would be good in them as the recipe calls for them. Some other recipes call for roasting the chickpeas which would also make the salad more texturally interesting. Here is the recipe we used:
https://www.cookingclassy.com/tomato-avocado-cucumber-chick-pea-salad-with-feta-and-greek-lemon-dressing/



5) Chocolate-Covered Strawberry Chia Seed Pudding. Chia seed pudding isn't for everyone because it does have a unique texture, but it can be a nice way to consume more fiber and also something sweet. I have made a few chia seed puddings in the last month or so, but I liked this flavor the best. I used regular milk. 
https://www.eatingbirdfood.com/strawberry-chia-pudding/

6) Chili Mac and Cheese. January and February in Honduras can be chilly for us. Oddly enough, February was full of overcast, drizzly weather complete with cold mornings and evenings. So, we were still digging into some hearty comfort food. This recipe was a hit:
https://www.recipetineats.com/one-pot-chili-mac-and-cheese/

7) New York Times Cooking Kielbasa and Cabbage White Bean Sheet Pan Dinner. What I love about kielbasa is how quickly it can provide a protein to make an easy dinner come together. While beans, kielbasa, and cabbage are heavy ingredients, this dish is made lighter by the vinaigrette that gets drizzled on top. We made lots of substitutions, and it was still good. We exchanged red wine vinegar for white vinegar, Dijon mustard for regular mustard, shallot for green onion, and fresh dill for dried dill. If you have access, definitely use fresh dill. It makes everything better. 
https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1021649-sheet-pan-kielbasa-with-cabbage-and-beans

What I Watched:

1) Raising Dion. This is a family show, so it has some very cheesy elements, but when the world is swirling with crazy circumstances, sometimes cheesy is a welcome escape. This show features Alisha Wainwright and Jason Ritter, and it follows a single mom as she raises her young son who discovers he has super powers. 

2) Being the Ricardos. When I first heard that Nicole Kidman and Javier Bardem had been cast as Lucille Ball and Ricky Ricardo, I was skeptical. Surely, there were other people who would have been a better fit. What convinced me to watch it was that it is an Aaron Sorkin movie. I was pleasantly surprised not only by how well the actors did pull off their depictions but also by the content of the movie. While it isn't 100% true to life, it was revealing in terms of how influential this couple was in the world of show business and how much their marriage influenced their work. As a white woman married to a Latino, it was also special to recognize how much power they had in a time when their respective groups didn't usually wield much power. I learned a lot about them and felt a newfound appreciation for their story and their lasting legacy. 

3) The Right Stuff. This is a National Geographic show that can be watched on Disney+. Based on Tom Wolfe's book, this dramatic interpretation follows the space race, the competition between John Glenn and Alan Shepard, and the rest of the Mercury astronauts. The time period evokes Mad Men feelings and atmospheres, and I learned so much about the personal lives of the astronauts, their fascinating wives, and the way the space program developed in the midst of political pressure. 

4) The Book of Boba Fett. Let me start by saying that I fell asleep watching the first episode. From then on, the episodes were fine. It's fun to watch Ming-Na Wen kick butt, and I did enjoy the exploration into different creature groups that have featured in previous Star Wars movies, but the show doesn't actually captivate until episode five. 

What I Read:

From Amazon

1) Glass Houses by Louise Penny. Of the books in the Inspector Gamache series, this is one of the best. The way that the story is told jumps around from present-day to flashbacks but seamlessly connects a giant police operation with a smalltown mystery that all begins with a mysterious figure that shows up in Three Pines and just stands and stares. In this book, the author explores how we all can be forced to make questionable decisions in the face of ethical conundrums. Sometimes, none of our options seem to lead to what is best, but life forces our hand. The beauty of this book is how Penny delves deeper into her beloved Gamache character by exposing new facets of his humanity while still keeping true to the integrity of the person she has developed. 

From Amazon

2) Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation by Daniel J. Siegel. Because of its similarity to what I'm already learning at school, it took me a while to get through this book since reading is often an act of escapism for me in this season. But, the fact it took me a while to digest it doesn't lessen its impact at all. It's an incredibly intriguing book, complete with both accessible explanations of neuroscientific research and helpful anecdotes of how neuroscience can be used for all kinds of counseling and strengthening one's relationships and ability to operate within society. I highly recommend it. Reading about how our brain can be exercised and strengthened in practical ways just like any other part of our body was so encouraging. 


From Amazon

3) Heart Made Whole: Turning Your Unhealed Pain into Your Greatest Strength by Christa Black Gifford. I knew about this book for a long time before I had the chance to read it. But, sometimes books just find you in the exact moment that you need them. This has been one of those books for me. I am still chewing on so much of its wisdom and the way it connected with my emotions and my story. The author talks about losing her daughter unexpectedly and how processing that pain in close relationship with God led to healing even of past hurts. Many of the recommendations and insights that she offers are the same kinds of principles that we learn in counseling classes, but they are packaged in personal anecdotes and heartwarming, transparent experiences. I especially appreciated her thoughts on how to handle anger and how to be intentional about checking in with your whole heart--the emotional part, the part that protects with boundaries, and the part that keeps us functioning. It will probably be on the list of the best books I will have read at the end of this year. 

Favorites:

1) Wordle. Yep, I jumped on the bandwagon just like everyone else. I love word games. The great thing about this game is that I am limited to only doing one a day, and you share in the common experience of everyone else taking on the same challenge on the same day. Additionally, as a language geek, it's fun to recognize how much English grammar rules contribute to what letters can be located where in combination with other letters. 

Before you head out, check in with your heart...
How are those emotions? What is churning inside today?
How are your boundaries? Is your heart letting in good things and protecting you from bad things?
How are you functioning? Are you functioning at the expense of the rest of your heart?
Whatever emerges, you can take it to God and just be in all the honesty and truth of what you have found, asking Him to fine tune and bring wholeness and maturity.