Time: April 2022 Recap
Photo by Aron Visuals
"So what does it look like to expectantly or productively or actively wait? What does it look like to wait with hope?" are the questions that my spiritual director has asked me the past few months. They're apt questions as so much of life right now continues to be in limbo. The waiting involves logistical questions of when we will find an affordable hospital for Raúl's mom's surgery or whether or not I will be able to do my practicum here in Honduras (which depends on having an approved site/supervisor, which is still up in the air) and when to start practicum (from the standpoint of having enough money to pay for the required two classes at once, if I were to start in August). The waiting is also mystical and spiritual in terms of yearning for the fruition of some of God's promises or the desires of my heart to be fulfilled in areas like marriage and ministry.
I recently read a passage in Pete Greig's book, Red Moon Rising, that so perfectly depicted how my relationship with God has evolved over the last several years. He talks about a cycle that we all tend to enter. We may start from a place of blessing, where we're living what we feel like we're called to do and have found a rhythm. But, soon, we get restless and start asking questions and wondering if this is all God has for us. We become uncomfortable with being so comfortable. Sometimes, that's an internal shift. Sometimes, it's brought about by a change in circumstances that makes us realize we have become numb. At some point, we realize that we have lost our dependency on God. At any rate, we then progress to wrestling with God, with ourselves, with questions, all in an effort to put our finger on exactly what's wrong. When the light bulb goes on and we realize why we have felt so restless, it's almost as if the invitation gets extended to dependency once again. We don't know yet where God may lead or why He would have us desert the place of comfort, but we feel a certain resolve that we want to continue the adventure with Him. At that point, all we can do is wait. Wait for Him to give us a direction to talk in, a step of faith. I am in the waiting phase.
Recently, I was talking with some missionary friends, and we were exploring the truth of this experience: Just because you make the big life choice to move to another country to become a missionary doesn't mean that you're done. Living in another country, you eventually find a rhythm, get comfortable, develop a sense of home. While it may be a weird concept to those who have sent us from our places of origin, life in another country becomes just life, as it would anywhere else. Yes, we're still doing ministry stuff. But, a lot of life is mundane--waiting in line at the bank to make a deposit for a sponsored child's education, killing scorpions that are camping out in the shower, taking the car to the mechanic to figure out once and for all what that clunking sound is, lamenting another day that you didn't exercise because the heat zapped the life out of you, talking to a friend who is having a bad day, hanging a load of laundry out to dry, etc. There's nothing glamorous about it. Humans have an amazing ability to adapt, which is precisely why everyone (including and especially we missionaries) has to keep seeking God, keep letting Him disrupt our comfort, keep checking in with Him with open hands to see if we're still being who He has called us to be and doing what He has called us to do. The adventure with God doesn't end with only one yes. It's a lifetime of yeses...often following periods of waiting for His next invitation and direction.
Photo by Erik Mclean
God's Promises: We Are on His Time Table
I would consider myself a late bloomer. I went to the dermatologist the other day to get a check up on my five bajillion moles (thanks, genetics), and she asked me the same small talk questions she has asked me for the last five years, "So how's your husband? No kids yet? But do you want kids?" In Honduras, I am an anomaly, a glitch in the Matrix, because I have reached my age without having children. (For the record, because, of course, inquiring minds want to know, yeah, I'd like to have kids at some point.) I don't know why God has steered my life in certain ways and on certain time tables. I couldn't possibly tell you why I find myself in grad school now and not five years ago. (I had wanted to start a few years earlier but didn't have the money. So to me, no provision equaled closed door.) I don't know why it took ten total years of knowing my husband, two years of mutually liking each other with no commitment, and three years of dating before we finally got married. I don't know why Raul's green card process and US citizenship took almost the entirety of our married life thus far (five years). My biggest fear in life since pretty young has always been wasting time, so I am not one who revels in complacency or stagnates willingly. Even with how delayed I have sometimes felt, I have always been seeking growth and God's direction and forward motion. So, I have to believe that He is keeping me on His time table in His will.
So much of this season interrelates. The kid question seems connected to the practicum/internship grad school question which is connected to the finances question which connects back to the geographical aspect of the practicum/internship grad school question which also connects to some marriage questions and some ministry questions. As much as I have been longing for some concrete answers, it's mainly just so I can rush on ahead in my mind to start preparing for something that isn't here yet. I always want to steward my time well, and I want to prepare for the next season as God leads. But having a plan is my security blanket. It's what keeps me comfortable, and as we have already seen, our comfort often runs counter to having an adventure of dependency on God. I recently took some intentional retreat time to just focus on God and hear His voice, and I realized that there is such loving grace in His decision to continue to keep me in the dark for now. He is releasing me from burdens I'm not called to carry because if I knew what was coming I would feel responsible for it.
As much as I remind God that He felt the need to make us women with a biological clock and wonder if I'm ever going to see some breakthroughs in areas close to my heart, I have to admit that my life has never been wasted. Sure, I have had some seasons that felt like I was moving at an absolute snail's pace. But I have seen over and over and over divine intervention in timing for both big milestones and small joys. Frantic frustrations over immigration delays became perfectly timed trips to the US for sweet family time. Seasons where I felt like I could not take one more day of heartache became the foundational testimonies to God's strength working in my weaknesses. Staring at God with giant eyes and an expression of, "'Scuse me, have You seen this bank account? Uh, would You mind telling me how exactly I'm going to meet all these needs that are piling up?" became tears of joy when I received phone calls about unexpected, extravagant funds coming through on the exact days that I had to pay something. The list could go on. The truth of the matter is that He is never late. He always holds our time perfectly in His hands even though society's norms might have us believe otherwise.
As it says in 2 Peter 3:8-9:
Nevertheless, do not let this one fact escape your notice, beloved, that with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like one day. The Lord does not delay [as though He were unable to act] and is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is [extraordinarily] patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance. -- AMP
It is ingrained in the calling of followers of Christ to keep waiting with hope, trusting that He does not delay--not in His second coming, not in the fulfillment of His promises, not in granting the desires of our heart according to His perfect will.
What I Read:
1) This Is Where You Belong: Finding Home Where You Are by Melody Warnick. Anne Bogel of the Modern Mrs. Darcy recommended this book, so I bought it on a whim. The format of the book is part memoir, part research, with a tiny smidge of self-help with just small lists of advice at the end of each chapter. This book talks about how we define home and what elements of communities and places contribute to our sense of place and place attachment. In an attempt to feel more at home in her new city, the author embarks on a series of love-where-you-live experiments to see if getting more connected to her community, getting more involved in local politics, volunteering, and becoming a regular at a restaurant help her feel more of an affinity for where she lives. This book really started my wheels turning, thinking about what elements of Honduras have become home for me and why. It made me so grateful for the relational ties I have, the favorite spots I have found, and the sense of belonging I have developed just from the familiarity of my neighborhood over the last ten years. It also challenged the way that I think about missions and what it means to foster community and refuges for others. It was a great read.
2) Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman. This book felt timely for me in many ways...pun perhaps intended. I think pretty much any adult human can attest to that feeling like you're constantly failing in some area. (If not, perhaps that adult does not have children or a spouse or friends or a job or a home or...) When I am on top of things with school, it feels like my house is consistently in shambles. When my house is clean, and we have meals to eat, my inbox is overflowing, and my phone is full of notifications from people I need to get back to. When I have ministry and administrative tasks under control, we have chips and guacamole for dinner. It's a constant juggle that can feel so self-defeating. Thus, I love that the whole approach of this book is not to make yourself some superhuman capable of being productive 24/7 but rather to embrace our very limited lives and the reality that we will never get it all done. A big cause of surrendering my life more fully to God when I was in high school was realizing that I had infinite options of who I could be or what I could do or what interests I could pursue, but I would never have enough time to do it all. I would never know what was actually valuable to the world. So, I opted to just follow (to the best of my ability) the voice and leading of God out of the desire to live from an eternal perspective for a value only He might see. (Oddly enough, my husband and most of the people we care about here come from the other side of those tracks because in this world, the options can feel so limited and the likelihood of reaching one's dreams seems so out of reach that people turn to God because He's the only hope of their life having meaning or provision or travel or breaking generational cycles.) Limited time colors so much of my fears that the idea of starting from a place of recognizing how little my life is actually seems freeing. While this book sometimes skewed into areas that were a bit preachy or a bit political or bit philosophically bossy, I think it's still worth a read. I just ran the book's message through my own lens that it's not so much about living a purposeful life for myself and my desires but rather a life surrendered to God and seeking first His Kingdom. Below are a few quotes that stood out to me. All in all, this book made me begin to ask myself and God, "What is my sacred yes?"
"...pay yourself first when it comes to time . . . if you plan to spend some of your four thousand weeks doing what matters most to you, then at some point you're just going to have to start doing it."
"Since every real-world choice about how to live entails the loss of countless alternative ways of living, there's no reason to procrastinate, or to resist making commitments, in the anxious hope you might somehow be able to avoid those losses. Loss is a given. That ship has sailed--and what a relief."
"The more you focus on using time well, the more each day begins to feel like something you have to get through, en route to some calmer, better, more fulfilling point in the future, which never actually arrives."
3) What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey. The format of this book is really just one long conversation related to trauma, trauma research, healing, and anecdotes demonstrating effective treatments or what research has revealed, divided into chapters. That format makes it a pretty smooth read even though the content is jam-packed with thought-provoking, educational topics. This is a book I will likely refer back to. Dr. Bruce Perry presents cutting-edge research on how trauma affects the brain, relationships, addiction, and other areas, while Oprah contributes her personal histories, stories from people she interviewed on her show, and questions that gave Dr. Perry the opportunity to unpack topics into layman's terms. It's a really great book for increased self-understanding, empathy, and relational purpose for the average person. It's also a great entry-point for understanding trauma if you're not likely to seek out counseling books or psychological materials. Much of what Dr. Perry covers are things I have been learning in my classes, though there were also some new-to-me topics as well. I highly recommend it.
What I Ate:
Photo by Megan Bucknall
1) Pea soup. So in my family, we have a specific way of saying "pea soup" that hails from our childhood viewings of the movie, The Rescuers Down Under. If you want to join our cool club in saying "pea soup" in a fun way, watch this clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnEIh1GR3SA or the whole movie, whatever. Anyway, I do enjoy a good pea soup. Ours got a little more flare this go-round because I had some white beans and ground sausage that needed used up. It was really good that way, and my husband appreciated that his soup had a chunky element to it. (Hondurans don't understand blended soups...in fact, most of their soups have their ingredients cut into such large chunks that you have to get your hands wet to eat it...which I don't get. The joys of cross-cultural marriage.)
https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/12299-hearty-split-pea-soup-with-bacon
https://www.foodandwine.com/recipes/bacon-and-split-pea-soup
Photo by Louis Hansel
2) New York Times Cooking Italian Broccoli Salad. I have made this broccoli salad more times than I can count this past month with some tweaks. It's crunchy and tangy with some creamy cheese. Chopped broccoli, slivers of red onion, chopped almonds, sliced olives (my preference is black because kalamatas aren't super available), banana pepper slices or sliced pepperoncinis, cubed cheese (my preference is pepperjack cheese), and a vinaigrette with vinegar, olive oil, salt, and pepper. It may seem like a mishmash, but in actuality, it's a bright lunch or dinner when it's as hot as Hades outside.
https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1023076-italian-broccoli-salad
3) New York Times Cooking Sheet-Pan Italian Sub Dinner. Guys, I am getting ready to start a class with an insane reading load. AKA my husband and I are probably going to be living off of sheet pan dinners, soups, salads, and anything else that is quick and easy or that we can eat off of for several days. This meal is a prime example of that kind of convenient. This meal is not low in fat, but it is high in flavor! We made ours with dried chorizo (which made our version pretty spicy), red onion chunks (touch of sweetness), chickpeas, cherry tomatoes, pepperoncini peppers, and garlic, with a simple vinaigrette and ricotta cheese topping.
https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1020779-sheet-pan-italian-sub-dinner
https://www.copymethat.com/r/p4XekI46d/sheet-pan-italian-sub-dinner/
3) Tiramisu. Making this dish started with randomly coming across ladyfingers in my local grocery store--not a common item to see in Honduras ever, at least not where I'm shopping. Since I knew these porous cookies were a main component to tiramisu, and I had never made tiramisu before, I thought I would embark on a culinary escapade. Here is what must be noted about making tiramisu in Honduras (and the reason I probably won't make this again in Honduras even though it turned out amazing): Tiramisu generally requires some kind of whipped cream. Cheater versions could invoke Cool Whip, but the hardcore stuff uses heavy whipping cream and some lengthy beating times along with eggs. I am not against cheater versions. Cool Whip is just hard to come by here. However, we don't really have heavy cream like US heavy cream. Our heavy cream comes in a carton that it not refrigerated, and the stuff separates super easily. I tried all the tricks, guys. I refrigerated the heavy cream carton overnight. I stuck the bowl I was going to beat it in and the beaters in the freezer beforehand. Yet, after minutes and minutes of beating, nothing. I tried stabilizing the cream with cornstarch. Nada. Finally, what ended up working was a hail Mary packet of "Dream-Whip" powder that I had just stumbled upon at the grocery store for a just-in-case moment such as this one. Despite its many unintelligible chemical ingredients, it worked, and the whole thing tasted just lovely. There are a lot of variations on tiramisu recipes. Some use raw eggs, some don't. Some make like a meringue with the egg whites, some don't. I recommend checking out a bunch of different recipes and then deciding what's best for you. It seems like an intimidating dessert, but in actuality, as long as you have the right ingredients, it's pretty easy.
1) Severance. Let me start by saying that this show is dark, so be in the right frame of mind if you're going to watch it. It probably isn't for everyone. It also starts out just a little bit slow. But, if you will stick with it, it's a revolutionary premise and such a fascinating watch that kept me guessing until the cliffhanger finale. (Thankfully, it has been renewed for season 2). I will be shocked if it doesn't get some Emmy nods. The show follows Mark S. (Adam Scott), a man who has undergone a procedure to implant a device in his brain that causes his work life and home life to be totally separate. While at work, he doesn't remember anything about who he is or his life at home. While at home, he has no idea what he does for a job or even who he is as an employee. The first part of the show explores the very bizarre and sterile "innie" world of Lumon, the business Mark works for, and the "severed" employees who work alongside him. However, "outie" Mark becomes conflicted when his ideas about Lumon are challenged by a former boss and friend. The second half of the show explores the "outie" lives of Mark and his co-workers and the repercussions of splitting oneself in the name of work-home life balance. From a counseling standpoint, this show is such a striking depiction of the way that our coping mechanisms can fail us, how splitting ourselves to avoid traumatic effects can cause pain to seep through the facets of our life in ways we can't control, and why emotions are such valuable elements of the human experience. It's the kind of show that keeps me thinking days after watching it.
2) The Lost City. Raul and I went to see this for our first movie going experience back in Honduras, where they space people out and have limited capacities still. He made it about 30 minutes into the movie before falling asleep. He periodically woke up and tried to convince me at the end of the movie that he knew exactly what happened. (He didn't.) I love Sandra Bullock. Even her quirkier movies like All about Steve I will re-watch because she is just so charming. I had initially read that Ryan Reynolds was offered Channing Tatum's role, and at the beginning of the movie, I wished it had Ryan Reynolds instead. However, as they fleshed out the character to make him less dumb and more full of heart, Channing Tatum convinced me by the end. I also appreciated that the movie had some elements that were different from how I had expected the plot line to be, based on its press and promotion. The movie follows a romance writer who is many years into grieving the loss of her husband. She gets kidnapped by a rich businessman who believes she can help him find a lost treasure based on one of her books. Channing Tatum's character, who is her cover model, comes to save her. There is a fun cameo made by Brad Pitt. Sandra Bullock rocks a purple sequined jumpsuit like nobody's business. And, while it's no Speed or While You Were Sleeping, it's a light-hearted watch with some endearing characters. Be advised, there is naked Channing Tatum butt for a few minutes.
I can't believe it's May already. I can't believe Raúl and I are getting another year older soon. I can't believe how pandemic years still feel like they don't count (but they do!). However, I am choosing to center myself on the hope that God is always on time, working even the most limited resource we have for my good. What do you find yourself waiting for? What does it look like to actively wait with hope? What needed answers can you let go of just for now in order to simply be in the presence of God, the One who cares for you? May we find our home, safety, purpose, and timeline in His love for us, realizing that our own plans are shoddy substitutes.
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