Essentials for Overcoming Fear of Failure

Have you ever found that as soon as life is headed in new directions with doors opening and new opportunities peeking through like sunlight through the curtains that your brain immediately shifts into memories of the times when everything didn’t work out? I think sometimes it’s unfortunately very natural for us to have a certain suspicion that all endeavors will turn out the same—in failure—because we are the common denominator. Like someone being invited to walk on a pond frozen over with ice, we gingerly tiptoe forward—not wanting to miss the adventure—all the while keeping in mind that the farther we get from the shore, the worse we’ll be hurt and could even drown when it all comes crashing down. For the past few weeks, I have been in this place. I have fluctuated between unspeakable joy for the new things God is placing in my life and also fear that I’m going to mess it up. What if I get too tired? What if no one wants to follow me? What if I’m the reason all of my prior steps ended in disappointment? Are these new things just a tease? Every time that I go for a run and go to meet God, I start out in conversation with Him about life and gratitude as old friends do, but sooner or later, I steer the conversation right back to the same place—This is all so great, God! What answers to prayer! But, what if I ruin it?



Photo by Michael Aleo


So, this past week, as God, my friend, does, He left me notes all throughout my reading, giving me the heart answers that I needed. The reminders in the midst of insecurity. It started with this story from the magazine Cultivate, put together by Jonathan and Melissa Helser and the Cageless Birds. In a writing by Emily Pell called “Becoming a Master,” she tells the story of going to see a master potter and the lesson he taught her for life:

“With a twinkle in his eye he told me a story about being eight years old and learning to throw from his grandfather, a true master potter. One day after their lesson, his grandfather surveyed the young potter’s work; he picked up one freshly-shaped piece and held it tenderly, admiring its beauty and form. He celebrated his grandson with words that filled the boy’s heart with warmth. The next piece the grandfather picked up and turned slowly in his hands; after admiring it he lovingly pressed the soft clay back into a ball. The potter chuckled as he recalled the moment and said to me, “You just can’t get too attached.” He had learned from a young age to release failures and not let them define or stop him from pursuing greatness. It was because of his ability to see love in his grandfather’s actions that his work is now in museums all over the world.”



Photo by Lubos Houska


It may seem silly to think that we would want to affix ourselves to our failures; usually the idea is to move on and forget that they ever happened. But, in reality, we attach ourselves to our failures when we agree with whatever negative lie that the realms of darkness tell us when something goes wrong. As humans, we’re always telling ourselves a story to explain our life circumstances. The stories we tell ourselves about our failures can take on a lot of different coping mechanisms. It can look like internalizing and feeling like we’re inherently bad and can’t be successful. We lose hope because we cling to the faulty thought that if we failed the first time, it’s because of something inherently wrong with us that will cause us to fail again. But, these lies were never the moral of the experience from God’s perspective.

We can also turn to blame and externalizing, deciding that the reason we ended up disappointed was because of someone else. In some cases, this isn’t an incorrect assessment. Sometimes, the timing just wasn’t right or the right people weren’t in place. There are certainly forces outside of our control. But, if we find that this is our preferred coping mechanism of choice, we should be extra attentive to being responsible enough to ask ourselves the hard question of what role we may have played in things going awry. What can we learn from our failures? How could we have done things differently? In what ways were our motivations perhaps skewed from the get-go? If we aren’t willing to tap into some self-awareness, we are often doomed to repeat the same mistakes.

Some of our failures may not even look like failures! This usually happens when we’ve allowed our definition of success to be defined by society and the world around us. This, to me, is the most dangerous failure that there is, and it can be the hardest to overcome.



Photo by Alois Grundner


Have you ever heard of rock cairns? These are the man-made stacks of rocks that many of us can feel compelled to make when we’re in a nature setting. I can remember well seeing a large series of these stacks at Yosemite National Park. What I didn’t know at that time is that these rock stacks often actually serve the purpose of trail marking. Can you imagine how frustrating it would be to be lost and frantically searching for an indication that you’re going in the right direction only to stumble upon mound after mound of these rock stacks?! How would you know what was a genuine help and what was merely someone’s artistic whim? Yet, I think that’s what often happens to us in life. We may start out wanting to hear God’s voice and to go down His best path for us, but we can be distracted by the rock stacks built around us by the expectations of others, by the media, by our culture, or even by our own needs for validation or comfort.

Back in my childhood, I can remember listening to a message that I believe was given by Jason Upton where he said something to the effect of, “The worst thing that can ever happen to you is that you would be good at something you were never called to do.” The reason is that it’s so much harder to leave those kinds of talents and personal validations behind when you are being called to do something else. But we will never have true success until we’re willing to let God, our Creator, define what success looks like for us personally. And it will look different for each one of us because He is an original, creative, personal Person. Part of getting attached to our failures can be rejoicing in the accolades or the financial prosperity or the level of comfort we’ve achieved without ever considering and asking, “God, is this failure or success to You?”

As a side note, our clinging to something that is not our calling won’t always look like success. We can be determined. We can be hard workers. Both of those things are important, but they don’t change the fact that however attached we may be to our own dreams, God is the One who knows what He designed us for in light of eternity. He relishes our dreams and aspirations, but sometimes, He offers us something even better. If we continue to insist on our own desires—however well-meaning they may be—, we will often burn ourselves out. My dear friend, Lindsey, often says that whatever is started by great force will have to be sustained by that same great force. There are seasons for everything. There will be seasons when we’re working so hard that we do feel physically tired. But, our souls are always invited into the unforced rhythms of grace and that sweet spot of walking in what God specifically made us for.

Another reason that something may not flow to fruition is that it wasn’t given enough time to be incubated. In our excitement, we often expose our ideas to the elements—opinions from others, the logistics of how everything is going to work, etc.—, and we end up throwing our ideas to the wolves before they ever had a chance to take off. We cripple our own faith. God is a God of the impossible, so there will be times when He gives us a plan that financially or logistically seems like an exercise in insanity. Thus, there is a reason that Mary pondered everything in her heart after giving birth and being visiting by worshiping shepherds. She had just given birth to the Savior and was looking at what life would look like bringing this, her divine calling, to fruition. I imagine that she was rejoicing that the crazy word that Gabriel gave her finally came true. But at the same time, that was only the first step. Life as mother to the Son of God didn’t stop there! She was incubating the Savior of the world before He would be released into His own destiny. As you are discerning God’s voice about what He is calling you to, also be attentive to hear His voice as to who can help you steward what He is placing in your hands. This doesn’t mean seeking out yes men. On the contrary, some of the best people in your corner will be the ones who ask you the uncomfortable questions. But, do guard your God secrets and the desires of your heart for those who are mature and compassionate enough to handle them with love.



Photo by Ethan Robertson


My next clue this week for God’s healing for my heart came again from the same magazine, Cultivate. This time it was in an article by Jonathan David Helser titled “Rest.” He talked about a vacation that God provided for during a busy season and how God answered him when he was seeking to understand God’s intent in loving him so lavishly. God’s response was:
“This trip is about me serving you. Through the beauty of creation, through the waves and the wind, through the food and the sunsets, I want to serve you and show you my love. You can only serve me to the degree you let me serve you. You can only minister to the depth that you allow me to minister to you. Receive the gift of the trip and allow me to serve you.”

I think at the heart of some of what we feel are our greatest failures are actually just seasons of disconnect from God. We may have great ideas. We may have the right resources. We may be striving with every ounce of our beings. But there may be something in our hearts that needs processed before we can be trusted with success. And if He hands us success too early, even when we’re working hard for it, He could lose us altogether. We could be confused and start to believe that we earn His love and His favor through our striving, or worse yet, we could begin to think that we are worthy of glory that belongs to Him.

We have to be willing to let Jesus serve us—that includes the sweet ways of receiving His love and being in His presence, secure in who we are in Him (and not in what we do or what our achievements may be). But, that also looks like leaving the door wide open for Him to decide what we actually need more than what we decide we need. His serving us will sometimes look like walking us into the desert when all we want is to be on the mountain of glory. But, how much richer will our message and our capacity to serve others be after we’ve walked through our own valley of processing, healing, and questions? There are no shortcuts in the Kingdom of God.

In an episode with Lauren Daigle on Annie F. Downs’ podcast, That Sounds Fun, Lauren talks about how God asked her to rest in the height of when her career was really starting to take off. Form a world standpoint, there was nothing logical about sitting down and being quiet when invitations and opportunities were pouring in. But, she details how precious that time ended up being for maintaining a deep connection with God and keeping Him as her pearl of great prize. And, after that season of letting God just pour into her spirit, her season shifted, and she was able to be more productive than in any other time and has continued to advance forward, but with a mindset centered on Who He is and how He loves her.

After any kind of failure or in the midst of overwhelming circumstances, especially, it’s important to be needy and let God serve us because it can be easier to begin to believe that we aren’t enough. Questions can start pouring in just as they have poured in for me the last couple of weeks: How will I ever learn what I need to learn? How will I ever have enough time to get it all done? What if it doesn’t work? What if people leave me or don’t feel like I’m worthy of leading them or being their friends? What if there isn’t enough money for our needs? How will we have provision? How will we have community? How will our needs be met? When our plates are full or our emotions are running high or our brains won’t shut up, those are the times when we’ll be tempted to hustle like crazy people. But, the invitation will always still stand to run up to our Father and crawl in His lap.

The invitation in these moments where circumstances seem to blind us is to look at God with eyes of trust and say, “You’re enough for me. I don’t know how it’s all going to work out. I don’t know how You’re going to provide for my needs. I don’t know how I’m going to heal or move forward or fulfill the calling You’ve placed on my life. But none of that actually matters because You are enough.” And the beauty of that is that when we stop to worship Him in that way, He actually looks back at us with eyes of love even in the midst of our human frailty, and He says, “You are also enough for Me. You don’t have to be the smartest or the most successful. You don’t have to figure out where the money is going to come from. You don’t have to do the work of many when you are one. You don’t have to have more than 24 hours in a day. Who you are is enough for Me because I delight in you. I delight in all that you are lacking because it means that I get to be Myself—Provider, Healer, Leader, Father, Friend.”

One aspect of God that we often overlook is that He is fun. He has a sense of humor. He is creative. He is the Maker of laughter! He isn’t all business all the time, and He wants us to learn to play. One of the reasons that we may be struggling to move forward because of fear of failure is that we are taking ourselves too seriously and allowing perfectionism to paralyze us. There is another name for perfectionism, and it’s “pride.” Allie Sampson in her article “Writer’s Block” in Cultivate magazine says, “Pride leaves no room for play.” And she’s right!





We don’t want others to see us be uncertain. We don’t invite others to stand over our shoulders while we’re straining at the drawing board for a reason! We don’t hand in our rough drafts to our bosses. We give them the finished product. But within genuine community and within authentic relationship with God, we need to be brave enough to play. We need to embrace whole-heartedly the permission that we have to not have it all figured out and to not take ourselves so seriously. We are allowed breathing room for trial and error (even and especially within the Kingdom of God!). We are invited into our deficiencies—to walk around them like an unfurnished room and to dream with God. We can’t provide the paint or the couches. We don’t have the tables or the chairs or even the artwork to hang on the walls. But, dreaming with God means that He lets us play with His resources. This isn’t frivolous. You can still be a good steward in this.

My grandmother is an artist. She paints watercolor paintings, and she has championed art within our family and for all of us grandkids. I remember many times in our childhood that she would pull out her watercolors and paper and art supplies just to invite us to create something original. As we put brushes to paper, smearing colors in all directions, she didn’t warn us that we were wasting paint. She never hovered over us worried that there wouldn’t be enough paper after we crumpled up the paintings that ended up being a brown mess. She just handed us another sheet of paper so we could start again. And when we had filled our paper with color, she often was the one who saw something in our work that we couldn’t see for ourselves. She’d stand by us with her pencil and say, “Look how these colors work together! I see a bird. Do you see a bird? If you wanted, you could just take a pen here and there and focus a bit more on making those details. Or do you see something else?”





Sometimes, we sit in front of our blank papers and crane our minds to see something worthy, something that can be commendable. We don’t even want to get started until we know for sure that the end picture is going to look exactly as we have it in our minds. So we let perfectionism steal our start. But God says in Zechariah 4:10: “Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin…” The invitation is just to start painting something and trust that He will find the direction and steer us on course. Sometimes, the work that we do or the efforts that we are making toward a goal look like a blotchy paper soaked with color. We know that we’ve tried so hard, but we can’t seem to make any sense or find any value in what we’ve just done. But He comes alongside us with His pen and says, “Do you see that picture? If you just connect these dots of preparation, community, resources, lessons you learned from your past seasons, etc., this is the progress that you seek. It is headed somewhere. It was always right in front of you.”

As we start to get the hang of things and begin to see with more clarity where God is leading us and the steps we need to take, we will be tempted to want to cover all of our bases all at once. There will always be some instinctual elements of self-preservation that we just need to be aware of even as we may need to push them aside. As excited as we may be to take one little corner of God’s treasure map and run with it, part of this life is embracing His mystery and also moving at His pace. It’s doing what He’s asking us and leading us to do. As Anne Lamott says in her book Bird by Bird, “Of course, there will always be more you could do, but you have to remind yourself that perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.”


So, what is your relationship with failure? Is fear of it stealthily stealing your dreams? Have you attached yourself to the lie that success will always be elusive? Are you caught in a blame cycle that keeps you from being aware of what you could do to improve? Remember a few key things:

1) God is the best Person to define what is success or failure for us as individuals. Only He knows what He deposited within us and our futures when He made us. If you feel like you’re walking through unending failures, take some time to check in with God to know whether you’ve been on His path or on your own.

2) The enemy will always try to plant lies in our experiences with failure. Sometimes, in order to confront the fear, we need to start by identifying the lies that we believe and surrendering those to God to receive His truth.

3) In the face of failure, it’s healthy to be self-aware. Ask yourself the hard questions of what role you may have played or what you can learn or how you can grow as a result.

4) When you have a new idea, take some time to let it incubate before rushing forward or telling the whole world. Continue to stoke the fire of creativity, but ponder in your heart for a while. When you do decide to share your ideas, have discernment to seek good counselors who will steward not just your ideas but also your heart with wisdom and compassion.

5) Take some time to receive from God and let Him serve you. Failure is often a temptation to a downward spiral, but it can actually be an invitation to re-center your value and identity on Christ alone. Take some time to hear His voice telling you that you are enough because He is enough.

6) Renounce your pride. Silence the perfectionism, and learn to play. Just as parents enjoy watching their children learn even when the end result isn’t always pretty, God gives us the room to learn and grow through trial and error. He’s just as, if not more so, invested in our journeys as our end products.



Photo by Vicky Tao


One last element to keep in mind is time. I recently read a section of Hal Boehm’s book, The Barnabas Factor, where he talks about how farmers painstakingly tend to bamboo shoots for up to five years before they start to see growth. From a human perspective, it can seem ridiculous to water a hole in the ground for years without ever seeing any fruit for your efforts. But, that’s often what life is like. What these farmers don’t see is that beneath the ground, the bamboo tree is springing forth roots that spread far and dig deep into the earth. Have you ever seen a full-grown bamboo plant? They get huge! If it weren’t for that massive root system, it would topple over with one gust of wind just because of its height! There are ideas and desires of your heart that need to ruminate for years. In terms of actual steps and action, they can seem dormant in heart-breaking ways. But, the reality is that God is deepening your character. He is preparing a foundation of maturity with roots of wellness and wholeness to be able to sustain the growth He has prepared for you. When a bamboo shoot finally does start emerging from the ground, its growth rate is astounding. Some species can grow up to three feet a day. Part of our relationship with failure means understanding that a lack of visible advancement isn’t necessarily failure every time. Sometimes, that is merely the season that God is calling us to for a time while He grows our roots, strengthens our community, and lines up our resources. When we surrender to His seasons, though, when it is time for forward motion in tangible ways, He will be our champion and will accelerate our success in supernatural ways we never could have done ourselves.





Failure isn’t our enemy. Eight years ago, before I moved to Honduras, I was freaking out. I was afraid that many of the rejections and hurts that I’d already experienced were going to be repeated in my new environment, and I wanted to avoid that at all costs. In the midst of wrestling with the Lord about taking this new, drastic risk, He accompanied me on the snowiest, iciest drive of my life and gave me a palpable understanding of His covering of me. I had gone home for the weekend during a wintery college semester, but I had to return to school for my evening shift at work. I had a four-hour, mountainous drive ahead of me, and I was terrified. As I reached the foot of the mountain, they were only letting cars with four-wheel drive and trucks with chains on the tires continue forward. I was driving a little four-wheel-drive Subaru, and I hated driving in snowy, icy weather. It’s that element of feeling out of control, not braking, and leaning into the skids that gets the adrenaline pumping in the worst way possible. I prayed as I approached the down slope of an icy hill, and sure enough, I did start to fish tail—right into the guard rail. The damage was nothing more than cosmetic, and it certainly could have been much more treacherous. I reached the other side of the mountain and took a breather. As I surveyed the damage to the paint job, I heard God say, “Even when you do your best and still fail, I will cover you and protect you.”

The next leg of my trip was on a lower-altitude straight stretch of highway similar to an interstate. By this time, what was on the roads was no longer snow and ice but rather slush, and it was still coming down. As I made my way down this freeway, I drove like a grandma to avoid sliding. Coming up behind me, however, was a massive truck, and it was barreling towards me with great speed. I was nervous and angry that the driver would be so reckless, but I stayed my own course even as I began to pray. Just as he was coming up alongside me to pass me, sure enough, he began to slide. As I looked in my rearview mirror, his slide turned into a spin across both lanes, and I felt certain that there was no way that the bed of his truck was going to miss me. But it did. Eventually, he righted his course and sped past me. I cried tears of relief and felt such a certainty that at angel had just done some kind of wonder of time and space to keep me from getting hit. And I heard God say deep in my heart, “Even when others fail in ways that will affect you, I will cover you and protect you.” And, let me tell you, that even in the midst of hurts or rejections, my own failures and the shortcomings of others, He has always covered me with His grace. He has protected and fought for our relationship every time, and He has used it all for my good.