How to Become Sharp

Photo by Malte Wingen

Have you ever noticed that sometimes God sneak-attacks us with a lesson? Maybe it’s not even a clear-cut lesson but rather an ongoing theme that hums beneath the surface of doing all of the things. Unfortunately, if you don’t take a quick second to pause, wait a minute, and give a little side eye to your surroundings and circumstances and emotions, those sneak attacks actually can go by the wayside like my dear husband’s thoughtfully tossed socks in the corner. Given my self-imposed blogging deadlines and the looming perils of writer’s block, I had to take a detective moment and take a magnifying glass to my recent life to find what exactly the sneak attack has been of late. It’s been both subtle and mind-blowing, but it’s looked very much like life with other human beings.

“It takes a grinding wheel to sharpen a blade, and so one person sharpens the character of another.” – Proverbs 27:17

There are a lot of different translations and versions of this verse. Some versions categorize the other person as being a friend. Some versions say that the sharpening is happening as a result of discussion. Some versions indicate that what is being sharpened is actually your wits. I picked the Passion Translation because I’m convinced that people who aren’t our friends can sometimes sharpen us more than those who are and because discussion doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of the ways we can be sharpened and because we all already know the phrase, “Pain builds character.” If pain were to build primarily our wits, I think logically it’d only strengthen our capacity to self-preserve.

So, how have other people been sharpening my character this month? It has included all of the below:

Raúl and I hopped off of the plane from the US, highly sleep deprived, very sweaty, and eager to get some food and take a nap. As we were in line getting food, a lady grabbed my elbow and immediately launched into a spiel about how I needed to give her money—honestly, I don’t remember what for. Medical bills, maybe? After a summer of grappling with the unending needs we were fielding and feeling both used and not particularly helpful in the long run, and in my sleep deprived stupor, all I could do was blink in reply. To be fair, none of this was shocking. This is a regular, common occurrence in Honduras and especially so when you’re a pasty, white girl. Raúl jumped in by trying to explain that we had just gotten off of a plane and didn’t even have much cash on us, etc. etc. Bless my husband for feeling the need to explain why we don’t owe anyone anything. Don’t get me wrong—there are definitely times where we’ve given. I’d say that we typically give more than the average person. But, I had just been through a summer-long lecture from God about how giving needs to stem from a joyful place and with His direction—not based on obligation or pity, not based on fulfilling the expectation that seemingly everyone has that the white person will easily shell out cash with no questions asked, and not based on meeting the need the person is demanding be met NOW (especially when maybe God sees another need that is actually more pressing). So, my homework started almost as soon as my feet hit Honduran soil. The lady then followed us all around to where we were sitting unleashing a persistent whining about how Raúl had to make me understand (maybe she thought I didn’t speak Spanish?). Thus, that is how the grinding wheel began sharpening my character. Would I choose the rest God was offering and the permission to find my joy again before depleting myself in giving or would I succumb to the pressures of the moment? There is a time to give, and I am a whole-hearted backer of generosity. But there is also a time to receive and a time to be still. The beauty of a relationship with the Holy Spirit is that He tells us what time it is.

We arrived at our home after our three-month absence and were greeted in a most unsavory way. I won’t delve into the details, but suffice it to say that not everyone has been taught the virtuous, “Always leave a borrowed item in the same or better condition than how you found it.” While I tearfully wished that the temporary occupants of my home had lovingly scrubbed after themselves just as Raúl and I had done our best to do in every spare room of a friend we stayed in or in every Airbnb, unbeknownst to me, my character was being sharpened. My dear husband fielded the initial rage as I surveyed the damage, and I just let the tears come in the waves they needed to come in. As tired as I was, my body was coursing with anger adrenaline, and the only solution I had was to clean. It took days to reclaim my space, and it took just as long or longer to start to grasp forgiveness and reclaim my peace. It had been hard to leave the US, both because I love my family and didn’t want to leave them but also because I was dreading being immersed in a lot of the same pressures and lack of consideration I was constantly dealing with. But, here’s the good news: After being baptized in such an extreme way with what I was most dreading (and after I literally picked up the pieces), the worst was already over.

The way that my brain works in processing anger is analyzing every single angle possible (that I can find). Usually, this leads to compassion and an easier path to forgiveness because while I may not agree with the behavior, I can at least put myself in the other person’s shoes and understand perhaps why they did what they did. With this particular situation, no matter how I tried to wrap my head around it, I could not understand. And this is where my character was sharpened—I still had to choose to forgive. Sometimes, I think forgiveness can be logical. It’s certainly easier for me when it is. But, it causes me to dig so much deeper when I have let my brain run its course, and yet, the troubleshooting has found no solution within logic. That’s when spirit takes over. It became as simple as asking the Holy Spirit to give me His eyes on the whole situation. What He gave me in return wasn’t a logical explanation for the behavior of others. And, honestly, I already knew why I was so heartbroken. It was, rather, a grief even for what I couldn’t understand and the deep feeling of hope that God harbors toward each of us, that we will become more whole in all capacities. The situation sharpened my marriage and provided for some clarity in understanding one another and finding some common ground. And I was surprised by the switch that was flipped in my willingness to let it go.

Since that initial re-entry shock, the sharpening of my iron has been much much sweeter for the most part. It’s looked like good discussions with ladies of all backgrounds on prayer and how to balance an understanding that we don’t fight against flesh and blood while also not looking for the devil under every rock and in every cranny. It’s been conversations of rejection and the direction of the Church over eggs and hash browns and prayer times with sweet sisters as the Holy Spirit leads. It has been connecting the dots between dreams and callings and finding a safe place of affirmation that has been lacking in my life in Honduras for years. And it has been having heart to hearts via voice messages. Guys, more than anything I have been overwhelmed lately by how iron sharpening iron can be that grating, sloughing off of pride and entitlement, as well as pushing through hurt to fight for forgiveness, but that it can also be a returning to a sacred place where I am free to not be dull.

There are times in our communities—religious or otherwise—where we are expected to dull ourselves down in order to be accepted. Don’t say what you’re really thinking; we can’t handle your serrated edges. Don’t voice the danger you see up ahead; we’re enjoying our comfort. Don’t place a boundary that nudges me to grow. Don’t challenge us to go deeper or to be more vulnerable. We have made friends with our wounds and our hiding places. Sometimes, we can be wanted as warm, serving bodies but not as minds with questions and hearts with experiences. We can be the bank but not the disciplining parent. We can be the errand boy but not the teacher. We can be the band-aid but not the surgery.

Iron sharpening iron really means that we’re allowed and expected to have sharp edges. Some days, you will be sharper than me. It may take a lot of listening and developing a sense of safety before my wise words, lofty dreams, and vulnerable confessions emerge, but they are there. So often I think we’ve painted the concept of iron sharpening iron as a painful process and certainly dying to self is. But, it can also mean that someone carves the vision out of us when it has long been flattened by disappointments.

So, here is how I recommend becoming sharp—bump into people. And don’t just bump into any people. Here are a few that I’d recommend seeking out:

1) The person who is different from you. This kind of iron sharpening can be grating, but there is nothing more edgeless than a bubble. Living in a bubble where you are only surrounded by people who believe the same way as you, live the same way as you, talk the same way as you, have the same experiences as you, etc. is a recipe for becoming dull. Allow yourself to be challenged by other people. And challenge yourself to love others well even when you don’t agree with them.

2) The humble person. There is absolutely no better gauge for me of safety in a human being than humility. A humble person is quick to listen, quick to admit their mistakes, and quick to be a refuge. Sometimes, the only way to get back to being sharp is to find a safe place where you can process all the things that stole your joy.

3) The person the Holy Spirit leads you to. Many of my dearest friends in various phases of life came about because the Holy Spirit set us up or nudged one of us to take a risk in asking for genuine friendship. If you’re lacking in friends, pray about it. Ask God to give you who you need for this season in life or maybe for your whole life. But, also, be willing to take risks to find that person. Put yourself in new social environments; talk to people you wouldn’t normally have talked to before.

4) The person who can mentor you. There is power in experience. If you want to learn a new skill, you’re obviously going to seek out the expert to teach you. That goes for all of life. If you want to sharpen up in your marriage, it makes sense to talk to someone who already has experience in doing so. If you want to sharpen your ability to pray and hear God’s voice, start hanging out with people who are already doing those things.

5) The person who is younger or less experienced than you. Have you tried to help a young person do math homework? There is no quicker way to have to sharpen those skills long dulled by lack of use than having to help someone else in the throes of an experience you left behind ages ago.

God created us for love and relationship. We are amidst other human beings because He has given other people keys that we need for our own doors and problems. There will be times when the sharpening cuts through to old wounds, half-healed doubts, and lingering fears. But there will also be times when sharpening is actually polishing and calling the gold and wisdom out of others. The good thing is that the Holy Spirit always knows what time it is, and regardless of how any relationship unfolds, He always knows what we need and who to send at the right moment.